Friday Ramblings

Hi Everyone!

It’s been a week already. For me, the week flew by. I have been wanting to write some things but got a tad overwhelmed in thought and have yet to get it to print. Plus, I have been delving into my RC car racing this week. I have to admit, I learned a ton of mechanical theory on suspensions. I hope this helps me this spring when I get back into racing. I have learned that I had my car way out of adjustment. No wonder that car was hard to drive.

My convert story was posted on Islamwich. Theresa and Kaighla asked me if I’d like to write a convert story from a male point of view. I told them I would be glad to. I worked hard on this story. I kind of put myself out there more than I normally would. This is the first time I delved into my Christian life and some of the bad turns I made. It was liberating really. Hey, I also feel this is my best piece of writing yet. I have never said that I was a writer but I feel I’m getting better.

There was a couple of articles that had me thinking a lot this week. I spent a lot in thought about them. I think I will share them in my next post. I just need to get those thoughts out. It is important.

Anyway, this is going to be short.

Have a great weekend and a great week coming up.

Hey, may God love you all up!

Friday Ramblings

Hi Everyone!

I can’t believe my last post here was three years ago. It is amazing how time gets away from me. Yes, I am still here. Fighting mental illness has been a real struggle these last three years and with that fight, I didn’t feel like writing. I apologize for letting this blog go. I just didn’t feel I could write decent material because I was so down. Who knows though, I might have written some of my best work if I’d tried. That might be true. However, I just thought it was best to just be quiet.

How are things going for me? I have gone through a lot. I have been hospitalized five times, tons of therapy, and just a few months ago, ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy). I also found my religion. Yep, I am no longer a free agent. I have always been in flux over a spiritual home. It was a lot of soul searching. Even though I was in the battle of my life with depression, my faith in God was strong. God gave me the strength needed to find him.

What did I choose? I chose to enter Islam.

It was a choice I did not make lightly. It was a lot of work. Islam is not exactly portrayed in a positive light. However, when one pills away the crap slinging, there is a beautiful religion underneath. I am still found of Judaism too. The nice thing about Islam is the fact that you can enter anytime and then grow from there. Judaism requires one to grow first before joining. My troubles have been growing up. God through Islam allows me to grow at my own pace. Oh, I am sure that there are a few that disagree with me but I have convert friends who say otherwise. I am told to not worry about moving slowly.

I sure was going to be a Jew, don’t get me wrong. I fought hard. Yet, family considerations with a ton of xenophobia just became too much. Plus, I was starting to become really ill. Yes, I gave up. How am I getting past the xenophobia now, I am remaining silent. Not what I prefer, however, the harmony of my family is my number one concern. I have two wonderful children to think about.

The big reason for entering Islam is I was lonely. I had this strong faith in God, yet no one to share and relate with. I so needed a spiritual home. I had three choices, Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. Christianity required me to rehash my past and I would rather not, it was out. Judaism required me to go all in before even getting a chance to be a part of the tribe. Realistically, that was not going to happen. I just don’t think I can get my life together quick enough and my loneliness has been overwhelming. Islam just came together. I was asked to enter Islam and I accepted the offer. Like I said, it just seemed to come together naturally. It was strange, heartwarming, and beautiful. I am still amazed at how God works.

Yes, I am Muslim. Has that changed me? Ahh…Nope. This is the same James who all my readers have gotten to know. Some of my readers of the past are still in touch with me through Facebook. Some others I have lost touch with. I sure miss you all. You and this blog are a major step in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you all.

Is this blog coming back to life? I don’t know for sure. I would like to say yes. Yet, I am not sure I have it in my. When I write something serious, I do a lot of reading about it. I look at it every way possible and pretty much have smoke coming out my ears. Writing is exhausting. Yet, I love it.

Stay tuned though, write me if you would like. Tell me you want me to get off my butt and write. Hehe

Take care Y’all. May God love you up.

Friday Ramblings

Hi everyone! It’s been an exhausting week. I tried to sleep as much as I could but still couldn’t get caught up on rest. I guess it was that late night on Saturday when I had a server go down at work and spent a long time with Tech support to get it back. Fortunately, it was salvageable and we got it running again. It was very stressful none the less and I guess it took its toll on me. The weekend is almost here and I will try to get the rest I need.

I saw a new therapist this week. It would seem that my last therapist skipped town on me and retired. My new therapist and I had a good visit. This session was orientation and she penciled me in for next week for actual counseling. I told her that she has permission to really push me and not to let me avoid the hard questions. I am really good at trying to change the subject and not getting to the heart of the question. I think we would be wasting our time if I didn’t go there. I really hope this new therapist can make a difference.

My lugs. They suck. I guess I have a new baseline now. I wish I could say it was higher but I wouldn’t get that lucky. No, this is significantly lower. I am adjusting but it sure is uncomfortable. My doctor blames it on my not being very compliant with my medication. Well, I haven’t seen my medication do a very good job for me anyway. Heck, I have even gotten worse over the summer. I am med complaint right at the moment and not really seeing much difference. However, I won’t count out my doctor for being right. I will work on med compliancy and see what happens.

Even though life has been roughing me up, all in all, I am doing pretty well and getting by.

Have a great weekend!

Update on how I’m doing

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while since I written anything on my blog. No excuses, I just haven’t been into writing lately. Call it a lack of motivation. So, here I am today writing again.

How have things been? It’s been going a little better for me. For one, I got my job position back. It would seem management needed me after all and decided it was time to transition me back into my IT position I held for 13 years. My replacement is now my teammate. I also found out that he wasn’t that qualified for the job after all. So, I am spending a lot of my time training and getting him up to speed. To be honest, it feels good to be needed and has help tremendously in my road to recovery. Yes, work is still a big trigger but now I have fewer worries about my future.

I just going to keep this short and just be a update on how things are going. I hope all is well with my readers.

Getting positive routines

I called Illinois Mental Health Collaborative for Access and Choice’s warm line again. I can’t tell you enough how fruitful it is to talk to one of their councilors. The nice thing is, it’s a free service and anonymous. I am going to find a way to give back to them in the future.

Well, the councilor gave me a lot of advice to chew on. On that stuck out to me is setting a routine in the morning that will prepare me for the day. Something uplifting that will set my mood in a positive direction so I have a head-start in winning the battles of the day. They also have classes that I can attend that will teach me these routines and also in creating action plans when faced with major stressors and triggers. I think it is in my best interests to try to take a class.

So, what can I change in my morning routine. The problem right now is going to work at 7am. I don’t feel like getting up any earlier than 5am. So by the time I bathe, eat something, take meds, and prepare lunch, it’s 6am and I have a 30 minute drive ahead of me. Although in September, I go back to 8am again.

I think the big thing missing is prayer time. I think making time for that again would be helpful. I am a liturgy kind of person and usually like to pray the morning office. I have not been able to just pray on my own for quite a while. Sometimes the liturgy pauses for prayer and meditation and I sometimes pray on my own, which is usually for others that are struggling and need a helping hand. I do not like to pray for my own needs.

Frankly, I would be lying if I said that time was the only reason I haven’t been praying. I always struggle with this side of religious practice. I guess I am just lazy or something. However, I think it’s time that I try to get back into it.

I find spiritual practice to be so uplifting and I am missing out on that. That is why I found Judaism to be so awesome. To lay Tefillin and wear Tallit in the morning seems so holy to me. Since Judaism is not in the cards just yet, I will settle for Christianity and its rituals, which isn’t much.

So, for this week, I am going to pray again. This time I am going to look at as an uplifting thing instead of a duty.

Wish me success…

What rock should I live under?

Tough, tough weekend…after nearly ending my life on Friday, it was a tough weekend trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Honestly, I guess I should feel embarrassed by what happened Friday, but I am not. Actually I don’t really care. Yes, I don’t care one bit. As I write this post, I could care less about anything.

Therapy – There is just no way can I go to Partial Hospitalization. Yes, I need to go badly. However, I have no time left and no financial means to support my family on medical leave without pay. My current treatments since April have broken us financially. My wife and I are doing our best but the medical bills keep arriving in the mail.

Today, I disclosed to my work that I am doing badly, just so they know. I figured it wasn’t fair to them if I didn’t give them some heads-up. Of course, that is a trigger laden thing for me and really sent my mood plunging.

Well, this is how my Monday morning is panning out. I am waiting for medical staff to call me to give me my options. Fun stuff!

Hmmm…I wonder what rock I should dig under. It’s got to be better than this?

Riding myself to death

I made a big mistake yesterday. I just had it my head that I was going to go out and put big mileage in on the bike to clear my sadness. Frankly, at a 100F, a part of me was thinking something else.

See, I discovered that there is many parts to my thinking. One part could give a hoot about anything. Heck, this part doesn’t even care about rather I live or not. Another part of my is the caring one that cares a little too much. Then yet another is the wise one, the one that usually saves my life when the time comes to stop. Yet, the wise one only steps in when I am on the borderline of actually self-harming myself.

I am afraid that one day the wise one is going to step aside and let the other two kill me.

Anyway, I was very sad yesterday and decided to take it out on the bike. I rode so hard that I was to a point of heat exhaustion. I ended up stopping and sitting in the shade of some corn. I broke down and called 911. Maybe I should have called family first, but at that moment, 911 was the only thing in me head. Help was on the way. Wow, my vitals were bad. Blood pressure was really low, heart rate was through the roof, and O2 was low also. They put me on 6L of O2 to help me snap out of it.

I was transported to the hospital where I got the typical psyche evaluation and my doctor was called. My doctor thought hospitalization was not going to help me and that I should go into the partial hospitalization program again. They couldn’t do much because of the weekend so I had to promise to be good until Monday or I was staying. I made that promise.

To be honest, not sure why I did it. I guess I am more sick than I realize. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me and I am in less in control than I thought. I thought I was doing better.