Wow, this seems like controversial week for my blog. Yes, I could be all fuzzy wuzzy about things, but I am actually a opinionated kind of guy that gets wound up over hot button issues. Yesterday I wrote my opinion on my reaction to watching “Constantine’s Sword”. But, I am feeling a bit guilty for writing it. I really have nothing against Christianity. As a matter of fact, I am quite fond of the United Methodist Church and have a few friends who I love dearly that are members of the church. When I speak out against what I think is unjust, even if it happens to be Christians doing it. I am not holding the whole religion in contempt. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Ok, since I am babbling today, I might as well make a confession. About a month ago I was determined to return to Christianity. A really good friend of mine is a pastor from the United Methodist Church. I was in discussion quite a bit with him trying to discover a way to reconcile some of the feelings I have for Christianity and the difference of opinion on theology. Sadly, I am still not able to reconcile and I am tired of trying. I wish my wife knew how much I want use to be on the same page.
Honestly, I am just more comfortable in the Jewish community. I had a private conversation with my pastor friend today over this whole Prop 8 thing being ruled unconstitutional be a judge. I have yet to tell him that I just can not go back to Christianity and devote myself to it religiously. Frankly, I just do not know what to do. I am so confused half the time on what too feel and what direction I want my life to go. I am just afraid that I am confusing my friends and leading them to the wrong conclusions about me and it scares me.
I am here to tell everyone today. James can not give himself to the Christian religion! Yes, I could just play Christian but I would be lying to myself and my friends. Worst yet, do a disservice to Christianity. If the Jewish community will allow me to be apart of them, I do not have to play Jew. I would be a Jew whole heartily, because that is truly who I am.
I just hate being a closet religious person. I mean, I can not honestly tell a person my religion if asked. I have been repeated told by my Rabbi to be careful not to mislead people into thinking I am Jewish, because I am not. Even though I truthfully have trouble with him saying that, it must be a serious matter and I feel the need to respect that. Thank goodness I have yet to have someone get inquisitive about my religion, but it is always on the back of my mind. I hope everyone realizes, G-d is really important to me and so is having a religious status.
Yes, there isn’t a day go by that I don’t think about how it must feel to do something so Holy as laying Tefillin or draping a Tallit over my head. Heck, I just do not want to pray privately anymore. I am not Jewish so what’s the point. I am so accustomed to liturgy these last few years. I am not sure I want to go it alone without a prayer book.
OK, this must be the Meds talking or something…I am going to stop here and just post it.
Thanks for reading…