Not a Good Week so Far

Hey everyone, I hope your week is going well.

Well, not feeling that great today. Chest is tight and starting to cough some. My sinuses started raring its ugly self a couple of days ago and this is probably helping my flaring. My PFs are pretty good at the moment but I am going to be on asthma attack alert, regardless.

Anyway, I have been in heavy thought (maybe, heavy heart too) about, oh my, religion or lack there of in my life. Truth be told, I totally disregarded a religious holiday that was supposed to be dear to my heart. Interesting enough, I was at home on eve of this religious holiday reading the associated prayer book, when it struck me that this is not going to work. I mean for one, I am reading at the table while my wife is interrupting me, wanting to show me nativity scenes that she is thinking about purchasing. Plus, reading some of the poems and thoughts that have been handed down though generations to prepare the congregation for prayer weighed heavily on me. It ended up putting me in an emotional and distracted mess, so I just could not make it work this year.

So, this week I have been overloaded with thoughts and frustration about who I am and my connection with my Creator. Believe me, I would prefer not to struggle like this. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I find peace? Better yet, why is God being silent when I need him?  Now, do not get me wrong. God has been by my side taking care of me and my family, but my religious struggles have not been touched. Does God want me to figure it out myself? I sure hope not, because I am sure making a mess out it every waking moment.

Needless to say, I am not happy! Yes, I realize that life is never going to be a bed of roses, but a person should be able to find some peace and happiness, regardless.

Oh well, I am just cranky.

Please have a good week everyone!!!

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11 responses to “Not a Good Week so Far

  1. It’s okay to be cranky, don’t be hard on yourself, as we all get that way.

  2. I understand your frustation but am not sure what to advise. Maybe you need your wife to understand your struggles. If oral communication is hard, why not try a letter?

  3. I really feel for you. And it IS perfectly OK to be cranky. Believe me (and you’ve seen the evidence right there in my own blog!) you get cranky even when – nay, especially when! – you’ve decided on your religious path, fixed on it and converted to that way of living. Whatever you choose (and whatever chooses you), doesn’t guarantee you a crank-free life.

    Of course, you know this. But this being in limbo state is horrendously hard. Somebody said to me before I became Jewish that perhaps I should be content to follow the 7 Noahide laws since I was unable to convert to an Orthodox way of life. Well, that got my goat, I can tell you! Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, of course. And it’s certainly not a half-measure. However…. I had my sights fixed on being a Jew, so nothing else would work for me.

    You undoubtedly have some complicated issues to conquer, since your wife is dedicated to her Christian faith, you have children. It is very hard for the partner to deal with – especially if when you got together, you were both living by the same ‘rules’ (for want of a better word). Communication is key – but hard, I know this.

    But yes, you are allowed to be cranky – and also to give yourself a break. Your asthma is causing you concerns, so laying an extra burden on you. I don’t think you’re being left on your own to figure it all out – just the help you’re seeking isn’t coming in the way you expect!

    Take care – xx

    • Thanks Rachel for stopping by. Boy, you are right, communication is the key! I am ready to do just that but I need a willing participant. Frankly, I am uncomfortable with really diving into the real situation I face here, especially when bring family into it. All I ask is for God to soften the hearts of those who can’t tolerate or be supportive of the choices I make.

      BTW, I am glad to hear that you are getting better. xx

      • And thank you.

        By the way, something else you wrote up there ‘I just could not make it work this year’ – if that was the case, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be? Generally speaking, if that is really and truly the situation, then there’s a reason behind it…

        Just watch, and wait, and wait some more. Perhaps for now, you’re not meant to be bound to any particular ‘way’? I know it’s maybe an uncomfortable thought, but it maybe gives you some breathing space whilst you deal with your health and growing and nurturing your family?

        Be well.

      • Hi Rachel, talk about not mincing words. 😉

        Yes, there is probably a reason for all this resistance. I guess I am showing my rebellious side. I suspect that I am confused at the moment. Sometimes, I wish I was a religious robot and did not have to struggle with my religious identity. However, I have been there already and I am not doing it again.

        Take Care…

  4. You are not alone…the answers and or help isn’t shouting out loud at you at the moment. Of course, you are impatient about it…wanting answers now…which adds to the anxiety.

    • Hi jewwishes, hummm…I am not sure that I have been that impatient. I mean, in 2006, God intervened quite dramatically when I joined a group of fanatics. I was plagued with anxiety attacks (some severe) for a year. After I left the group in mid 2007, it was like someone had switched off a light, I have been anxiety fee ever since. Maybe I am wrong, but if God intervened like this, why is God taking 3+ years to fill the religious void that it left? I have been a good boy and have not questioned God about this until now.

      Is it possible that the hardship I face now is because God wants me too be a Christian? I mean, I could become a United Methodist with little resistance. I mean really, I have written about this before. I have tried so hard to reconcile the fear and hurt I feel towards the Church.

      OK, I need to stop for a moment. Getting crazy confused!

      Thanks for being a good friend jewwishes! xx

  5. Pingback: My Faith – My Religion (Part 2) – The Nitty Gritty | Religiously Challenged

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