Since getting words of encouragement from my post “My Faith – My Religion”, I thought maybe I would continue on and voice my thoughts on the matter. Believe me, the last post was very productive for me and I have been deep in thought over it.
About a week or two ago I told a dear friend that I made up my mind and decided to follow my heart when it comes too religion. I told my friend that Judaism has my heart and that is where I think I need to be.
Just about that time, my DW (Dear Wife) dropped the usual Christmas bombshell on me and wanted me too go too Christmas Eve Communion with her, which is a family tradition. Of course, I dropped a bombshell on her by saying, “Do I really have too.” That really didn’t go over too well. I received the normal deer in the head lights look of, “You’re not Christian anymore.” It did not take me long to realize that I need to change the subject quick because this might get ugly.
Too my DW’s defense, she did marry a Christian man. A fact she uses quit frequently. She is right, I was a Christian when we got married. Although, things do change over time, but I guess for some, it doesn’t.
OK, I have a couple of things that need to be said before I get into the nitty gritty of things. There are two things that I have learned so far though all this religious stuff. Love God and love my neighbor. If any thing, these two define my faith.
The reason I struggle with God is because I want a loving relationship. I am reminded of Jocob wrestling with a divine being and overcoming it. For me, I am wrestling too but have yet to find peace. Although, I might need a Part 3 to explain my thoughts on this because I am not sure I want to address this in this post.
As for loving my neighbor, I have come a long way in this department. When I first repented from my previous religion (Christian Identity), I told God that I am no longer going to hate people. I had a severe hatred of Jews, I repented. I had a severe hatred for the LGBT community, I repented. Lately, I had a negative view of Muslims, I have repented. Believe it or not, lately, I had a negative view of Christians, I have repented. So, I have come a long way and I feel it was the right way to be (for me anyway).
I guess it’s time for the nitty gritty of this post. As I said earlier I love God. Nine years ago, I made a promise to God that I was going to make my marriage work even in the darkest of days. Yes, regardless of how my DW might feel about it, this is my promise that I have a hard time breaking. The past has shown me that God is not interested in allowing me to break that promise either (an interesting story in itself). I think the main reason that I struggle with my religious path is her. In keeping my promise, I have allowed myself to be a doormat. Even though my DW has repeatedly stated that she only wants to be married to a Christian and has thrown the “D” word at me, I am not sure it’s wise for me to pursue my love for Judaism. Yes, it saddens me but I do believe that God wants me to be with my DW.
Reality is, there have been so many obstacles and hurdles on my road to Judaism, and I can not rule out that God had a hand in it. I kind of address this in my post, “Not a Good Week so Far.” Yes, my DW is the biggest stumbling block of them all and just maybe it was meant to be.
This is a difficult post for sure. I love God, my DW, and Judaism. Sadly, they don’t go together that well. If I am honest with myself, what is more important? I believe that God wants my marriage and family to be the most important thing to me. Even my rabbi said that keeping harmony in my family is very important, not for sure but I think it’s a Mitzvah.
In conclusion, this is the real reason that I struggle so much. I am torn between God’s plan for me, if there is such a thing, and the path I want to be on. If that is truly the case, I am loosing.