I am sorry if this sounds like a broken record, but I would like to write about it again. Maybe if someone was in my particular situation, they could find some peace knowing they are not alone. I have two other posts on this and they can be found here and here.
OK, I decided yesterday that I need to get my blood work done so the doctor can figure out what’s bugging my lungs. So, I headed down to the clinic. Just going to the clinic is a big deal for me. I really thought that I had it in me to just sit there and let them do their thing.
Unfortunately, it ended up being a big fail. The second they place the rubber strap around my arm, self-preservation clicks in my brain and it overrides all my rational thought. Sad part is I can’t control how I feel. I am truly brave up to that point.
After multiple fails at this and all the embarrassment I feel, this is just not going to happen without some serious help. The nurse said in her 26 years doing this that she has never met a person like me (not sure I really like hearing that). There was some other craziness and not so nice things said by others who thought they could help. I am sure that they meant well, but had no clue how to help me. In the end we all decided that this was not going to happen. I ended up getting upset that I wanted it done and couldn’t, feeling like an idiot didn’t help either.
This phobia must run deep in my subconscious, because I have analyzed this most of my life. It is certainly not the pain thing, like some seem to suggest that it is. For instance, I was using my screw gun one day and the drill slipped off the screw, the bit went straight though my thumb nail and almost through my whole finger. Yeah, I felt pain like I never felt before. Even though that happened, I am not afraid of screw guns.
My wife asked me last night, when the last time I had blood work done. I said 20 years ago in the army. How did I do it back then? Well, it was involuntary and I hated it. They didn’t give me any choice what so ever. Plus, I guess it was more tolerable then.
My biggest fear is not getting honest help for this and the doctors giving me the boot because I refuse the blood work. I certainly can’t stay on the meds because of it. Nor is it going to help me get better.
Right now I am embarrassed and don’t know what to do.