Hi everyone. In my last blog post, I discussed a pretty major issue that has been affecting me for many months. I am writing today to let you all know that I did get help and doing better now.
Last week, was my second visit with the doctor on this issue and he says I am doing a lot better. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder/mild depression. Frankly, I knew I had depression but I had no idea that I had anxiety. Although, after many days on my new medication. It seems pretty obvious that I have had an anxiety disorder for most of my life. Yeah, I was a little shocked by this discovery.
Anyway, not much more that I can say on this right now, still trying to figure out who I am.
Thanks for all the comments on my last post and the support, much appreciated!
Something has been bothering me for a while now. I worry a lot, paranoia over little things, I escape to a computer game to shut out the world for a while (I like to call it checking-out), big time forgetfulness, lack of motivation, and just plain exhausted. Not to mention my thoughts of giving up with life in general.
Yes, if this sounds like depression, I would agree. I first noticed something wrong when I wrote a blog post on finishing marathons. I wrote how I was not proud of my accomplishments. In reality, why wouldn’t I be? Yet, I don’t feel that way. I have also been having troubling thoughts of ending my life. I have asthma and I have entertained the idea of stopping control medication use, even taking trial runs before snapping out of it before things get out of hand. Last year I just couldn’t handle things and went off control medication, which lead to a month long struggle with asthma. At one point, I almost needed hospitalization.
I was a mess.
Last week is when I finally realized that I am fighting something I don’t understand and don’t have control of. I was so stressed out from work that I thought it would be better to give up. Due to a crazy work schedule, I kind of screwed up my medication schedule also. After four days off my medication, my lungs where a mess and I couldn’t go one more day without it. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself, what am I doing? I took my control medication that morning and got myself back up to a decent lung function. Just to put it into perspective, predicted value for me is 4.5L for lung function. My normal is around 3.2L, give or take. Not great or normal but a comfortable level. That morning, I blow a 1.8L which is about 40% predicted value. Yes, I was working on killing myself. Something I am not proud of but that was what I was thinking about doing.
Anyway, that is what my life has been like. Only lately have I started acting out my negative thoughts. I have not been diagnosed with anything just yet and do not know the root cause. But I am troubled and can’t seem to get myself under control. Plus, I am scared and embarrassed to get help. I am supposed to be a tough guy not this wimp that can’t handle life.
That’s about it. Just getting this off my chest.
Oh my word, how the time has gotten away from me. I haven’t posted here since August and pretty much neglected the site throughout 2011. Gosh, there is all kinds of things that I could discuss. Don’t know really what to say.
Nothing has changed religiously, still plugging away at coping with fate. I do have a new slogan, “United Methodist by little choice and Jewish at heart.” Yes, that pretty much sums up my religious experience at the moment. Talk about dazed and confused. A good friend of mine told me to look on the bright side, look how cultural diverse I am now. My friend made a great point. Being this way for many years now has opened up new experiences, which would not have happened in my past Christian environment. I guess if this was divinely inspired, with utmost sincerity, thank you so much God.
Ahh, as for the Mark study, that is totally on my mind for months now. I am just all over the place with thoughts on this sacred scripture. Heck, the first verse of this book sent me on an unrecoverable tail spin. I don’t even know how to get it on paper. It is impossible for me to take this text at face value. I mean, it was written thousands of years ago and seems theatrical. Not sure I can buy into some of it without close examination and historical research. There is a lot of scholarly work I can tap into, which is great.
Anyway, hopefully, I am going to get back into blogging again. It is so much more rewarding to write my thoughts down and sharing it with others. Heck, it might even be helpful.