Something has been bothering me for a while now. I worry a lot, paranoia over little things, I escape to a computer game to shut out the world for a while (I like to call it checking-out), big time forgetfulness, lack of motivation, and just plain exhausted. Not to mention my thoughts of giving up with life in general.
Yes, if this sounds like depression, I would agree. I first noticed something wrong when I wrote a blog post on finishing marathons. I wrote how I was not proud of my accomplishments. In reality, why wouldn’t I be? Yet, I don’t feel that way. I have also been having troubling thoughts of ending my life. I have asthma and I have entertained the idea of stopping control medication use, even taking trial runs before snapping out of it before things get out of hand. Last year I just couldn’t handle things and went off control medication, which lead to a month long struggle with asthma. At one point, I almost needed hospitalization.
I was a mess.
Last week is when I finally realized that I am fighting something I don’t understand and don’t have control of. I was so stressed out from work that I thought it would be better to give up. Due to a crazy work schedule, I kind of screwed up my medication schedule also. After four days off my medication, my lungs where a mess and I couldn’t go one more day without it. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself, what am I doing? I took my control medication that morning and got myself back up to a decent lung function. Just to put it into perspective, predicted value for me is 4.5L for lung function. My normal is around 3.2L, give or take. Not great or normal but a comfortable level. That morning, I blow a 1.8L which is about 40% predicted value. Yes, I was working on killing myself. Something I am not proud of but that was what I was thinking about doing.
Anyway, that is what my life has been like. Only lately have I started acting out my negative thoughts. I have not been diagnosed with anything just yet and do not know the root cause. But I am troubled and can’t seem to get myself under control. Plus, I am scared and embarrassed to get help. I am supposed to be a tough guy not this wimp that can’t handle life.
That’s about it. Just getting this off my chest.