Monthly Archives: March 2012

It’s been a hard week

Hi Everyone! Yeah, it’s been a hard week. It all started while I was talking to a fairly good friend and co-worker about my anxiety disorder. I discussed how I got help and how I am trying to put my life back together. Well, during the conversation, he brought up that it sounds like Bipolar to him. I was shocked at what he said, Bipolar? I think he realized that he might have overstepped a bit because I ended the conversation afterwards. He is a friend and I like friends that tell it like it is.

Well, that one word set off a fire storm in my head. Oh my, I went crazy seeking knowledge about Bipolar. Could my friend be on to something? Yeah, I know, I could look at just about any mental disorder and see some similarities to how I feel. With that said, I think this could be my answer. It is quite possible that I am Bipolar. Oh, I most certainly have anxiety issues. From what I read though, I don’t think it is the root of my issues. I think there is another driving force at the heart of the matter.

Gosh, there is so much I could say. I have never truly understood why a person like me would gravitate to a white supremacist group and immerse myself with their doctrine. Since I have been on Paxil, the reason has become hauntingly clear.  All the conspiracy theories and Christian elitism empowered me. Unfortunately, it was feeding my manic tendencies. I would have never left that group if the pastor hadn’t preached so much about thinking outside the box and researching everything he preaches, I did what he said and my research looked nothing like what he was saying. I left the group because I realized they were wrong. It was a very sad and scary time for me. However, I made it through.

I also talk too much. I get so wound up that I talk the leg off people. Another issue I have had all my life is hypersexuality. Yeah, I have struggled with it to the point of suffering. I am a religious man but when it came to my sexuality, I had no control. Paxil has given me freedom from this. It has been incredible. Yes, Bipolar is about extreme highs and lows. I will be honest; I can’t say that I haven’t had those highs and lows. Heck, only until now, my family has started telling me things about me I didn’t know I was doing. Even my friends are talking to me about it, saying that they thought it was just who I was.

Well, I am here to say. This is not who I am! I am not that person nor do I want to be that person.

Yesterday, I was so worked up that I had thoughts of ramming me head into the wall to see if the thoughts would stop. I didn’t! On my way home, I had thoughts of ending it while driving home what I should ram the car into. Yes, my head was racing and it took everything I had to get home to my wife and kids. Gosh, I am a fighter. I took Ativan first thing when I got home which calmed me down.

Yep, this is one hell of a low week, unlike last week, when I felt like life was getting better. Sigh

What ever is eating at me, so far I am winning. I am fighting this! I am taking my meds, staying away from alcohol (gosh, I feel like drinking this away), and keeping this real. Gosh darn it, I am going to WIN!!!


Still doing well

Hi everyone! I am still getting along OK over here. Had a tad bit of asthma issues last week but got the medical attention I needed and I’m on the mend. As for my anxiety disorder, I am still a little rough around the edges but doing well.

Again, thanks for all the comments, much appreciated. I am still not comfortable writing about my anxiety. Writing in this format makes me want to dig deep and I am just not ready yet. However, I have so much I could write about when it comes to faith and religion, I need to get back to it.

Anyway, hope all is well for my readers. Sending out Hugs.

Still Getting Along OK

Just checking in…I apologize to my readers who have commented on my last two posts. I have been a little apprehensive about responding back. I am just a little frustrated at my self and the subject of my anxiety disorder has been a tough thing to have a conversation about.

As for me, I am holding my own at the moment. What a drastic change in the way I think now, wow. No, I still don’t have it together, but, I do see myself in a new light. Now, I can make a choice to change. Something I really did not have control of. In a way, I am much happier. Although, in another way, it makes me sad. I mean, I have lived my whole life this way. I am kind of embarrassed by the fact that I put family and friends through all kinds drama created by my anxiety. Yeah, I couldn’t really help it but I did realize many (and I mean many) years ago that I true do have problems. I guess it took a real low point to finally discover it. Oh well, as I look on the bright side. I am getting help and seeing things differently.

Anyway, God willing, I will start moving forward with my life.

Thanks everyone for your support!