It’s been a hard week

Hi Everyone! Yeah, it’s been a hard week. It all started while I was talking to a fairly good friend and co-worker about my anxiety disorder. I discussed how I got help and how I am trying to put my life back together. Well, during the conversation, he brought up that it sounds like Bipolar to him. I was shocked at what he said, Bipolar? I think he realized that he might have overstepped a bit because I ended the conversation afterwards. He is a friend and I like friends that tell it like it is.

Well, that one word set off a fire storm in my head. Oh my, I went crazy seeking knowledge about Bipolar. Could my friend be on to something? Yeah, I know, I could look at just about any mental disorder and see some similarities to how I feel. With that said, I think this could be my answer. It is quite possible that I am Bipolar. Oh, I most certainly have anxiety issues. From what I read though, I don’t think it is the root of my issues. I think there is another driving force at the heart of the matter.

Gosh, there is so much I could say. I have never truly understood why a person like me would gravitate to a white supremacist group and immerse myself with their doctrine. Since I have been on Paxil, the reason has become hauntingly clear.  All the conspiracy theories and Christian elitism empowered me. Unfortunately, it was feeding my manic tendencies. I would have never left that group if the pastor hadn’t preached so much about thinking outside the box and researching everything he preaches, I did what he said and my research looked nothing like what he was saying. I left the group because I realized they were wrong. It was a very sad and scary time for me. However, I made it through.

I also talk too much. I get so wound up that I talk the leg off people. Another issue I have had all my life is hypersexuality. Yeah, I have struggled with it to the point of suffering. I am a religious man but when it came to my sexuality, I had no control. Paxil has given me freedom from this. It has been incredible. Yes, Bipolar is about extreme highs and lows. I will be honest; I can’t say that I haven’t had those highs and lows. Heck, only until now, my family has started telling me things about me I didn’t know I was doing. Even my friends are talking to me about it, saying that they thought it was just who I was.

Well, I am here to say. This is not who I am! I am not that person nor do I want to be that person.

Yesterday, I was so worked up that I had thoughts of ramming me head into the wall to see if the thoughts would stop. I didn’t! On my way home, I had thoughts of ending it while driving home what I should ram the car into. Yes, my head was racing and it took everything I had to get home to my wife and kids. Gosh, I am a fighter. I took Ativan first thing when I got home which calmed me down.

Yep, this is one hell of a low week, unlike last week, when I felt like life was getting better. Sigh

What ever is eating at me, so far I am winning. I am fighting this! I am taking my meds, staying away from alcohol (gosh, I feel like drinking this away), and keeping this real. Gosh darn it, I am going to WIN!!!


2 responses to “It’s been a hard week

  1. James,
    Apologies if I am overstepping here, but are you being seen/treated by a psychologist/psychiatrist or simply your family doctor? I know the anxiety is making sense to you, but I really feel that sometimes primary care doctors do not know when they are outstepping their bounds of expertise, when it could be something “more” [I don’t feel that is the best way to put it, but I just don’t know how else]. I think more thorough testing would be able to identify anxiety vs. bipolar vs. a combination of the two, know what I mean?

    Keep us posted, friend.

  2. I agree with Kerri. Take care of yourself!

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