Monthly Archives: April 2012

Update – Still doing good

Before I get started, I just want to thank all my faithful readers and to my friends that have been commenting on my update posts. As some can tell I haven’t been commenting back. Well, I have been feeling bad about that. Not sure why, but at the moment, the only thing I feel like doing is writing updates. I mean no offense if any found it to be rude. I love all the positive affirmations and believe me, I need them.

How have I been? I have been doing pretty well. The meds are all working now and I seem to be calming down. There is a lot more inner peace now, which is something new to me. The doctor still wants my to stay in partial hospitalization to make sure the meds are doing their job and also stay in therapy a bit longer to prevent relapse. Work is fine with me using more time to get better and they seemed to be caring. I could take it the wrong way but that is my illness talking. So I will just accept that they really care about me.

This last week in partial has been exhausting. The therapists revamp their sessions based on the daily assessments first thing in the morning. The daily assessment is a form we fill out and then talk about it in group. The therapist listens to us all and ask questions to open us up a bit more. Then I guess they have a meeting and discuss which therapy session has the most impact on all of us in group.  Well, partial has been driving home all week about self-acceptance, which had the most impact on me.

Yes, I can not accept the fact that I have borderline personality disorder. Of course, I have known for 30 to 35 years that something was strange about the way I thought and handled things. I was in denial then and I would prefer to be in denial now. Heck, I have no clue how I coped with this disorder that long. I will pat myself on the back. That was a long haul and I actually was successful in life. From what I have read, that is very difficult to do with my disorder.

Yes, I do understand the need to come to grips with my disorder. The meds are controlling my thoughts well, but that only goes so far. I still have to use the tools partial is teaching me to have the best life possible. If I don’t come to a happy place with this, I am going to stop using those skills and relapse. Possibly actually hurting myself or worst. So, I need to find that happy place and fight for the best life possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very hopeful and I will get there. It is just taking a lot of work and time.

Anyway, it’s another week of partial, but I don’t know if its my last week or not. It all depends on my doctor. I this case, they really do know best. Hehe

Love Y’all and have a great week!


First week of therapy

Hi everyone! Well, I have made it through my first week of therapy. Actually it’s called partial hospitalization and I go 5 hours a day 5 days a week. It was a tad overwhelming at first but I getting the hang of it. My group is a great bunch of folk and the therapist seem so motivated to make use better. Plus, I am constantly evaluated to make sure that I am being safe. I have to agree everyday that I will not hurt myself. So far that accountability is keeping me from doing something stupid. Sadly, there was a few days I felt like getting that stupid, but I didn’t.

Not sure I have given my diagnosis here yet, but I have borderline personality disorder which I have had from childhood. I also have major depressive order because of my many suicide attempts. Yes, sadly, I have thought and almost went through with plans to end my life. The good thing is I am still here and very grateful that there was still a rational side of me that wouldn’t give up.

As for my work, I am on medical leave at the moment. I am trying not to worry about it but I suspect that my job will not be the same when I get back. Not even sure I will remain employed there for very long after I return. Sadly, I have messed up there and I am sure that the bosses know that now. Was the mess up my fault? Well, of course it is. It was me doing it. Was I in my right mind? Heck no! All I can do is return when the doctor says I am ready and just do the best I can. I have a mental disorder and they are just going to have to work with me or let me go. Only time will tell on this issue.

Anyway, trying to stay positive and hope the future remains bright.

Did I finally get help? Sure did!

Hi everyone! In my last post I talked about going to the ER to get checked out. Well, the next day things hit rock bottom. I lost control and headed to the ER once again.

Yes, I was a real a mess. I spent 11 days in the Psychiatric Care Unit at the hospital for depression.  It sure was a long stay but I am a lot better. Now I am going to partial hospitalization which is pretty much psychiatric care but I get to go home at night. I have many weeks of this so not sure when it will finish. Work has been cooperative so that has been great.

Not much to say at the moment on this. It has been some kind of journey, that’s for sure. I do have quite a few things I need to deal with and come to grips with many new diagnoses. Pretty much one being chronic and the others being with me from childhood.

So, thanks so much for everyone’s’ continued support. I am getting better.

Slammer Time

Well, I just had my first visit to the slammer (Emergency Room). Interesting enough, it wasn’t for asthma it was for mental health. Gosh, what an unwanted experience.

It all started with me visiting my family doctor. He told me if I started to get suicidal to come to see him. So, I did just that. Needless to say, it was suggested to me that I volunteer to go to the ER for a psyche evaluation. If I refused, I was going by ambulance, yep, not much choice.

The ER was something. I have never been to one as a patient. They were real nice to me and worked with me and my needle phobia. Actually, they sedated me pretty well and I did the blood work with not much of a care. I didn’t even have to be brave. Wish I could do that without dugs, oh well.

Next was the psyche evaluation. Yeah, this was when the fun began. Ahhhhh….not really! First person to quiz me was a psyche nurse (That’s what I gather anyway) and I told the lady some pretty uncomfortable stuff. Even more uncomfortable was the fact that my wife was there and I hadn’t told her anything. Boy, was she surprised and tearing up. The nurse left and the psyche doctor arrived to quiz me some more. He even asked more uncomfortable questions which I answered. Gosh, we were getting down right personal. Some of the stuff I admitted to I haven’t told anyone. I guess I should give myself credit, I did corporate the best I could. I did dodge a few questions but I was just not ready to share with the guy. Plus, my wife was in the room.

After the quizzing I was asked if I was willing to stay for a couple of days for treatment. I really did not want to but I said what ever is best for me. They ended up letting me go with instructions to follow up with me family doctor about seeing a psychiatrist. I was fine with that. So, I headed home loopy on Ativan and went straight to bed, sleeping all night. Boy, the ER shouldn’t have let me leave feeling that groggy. I swear they gave me 4 mg of the stuff. That is a bunch for me. Yep, those little pills can pack a punch.

I guess this blog post can’t be complete without some personal reflection. I can sum it all up with nightmare. I mean, I just didn’t want this. No, I am not in denial but I didn’t want it to go this far. See, I have known for most of my life that there is something wrong with me. I have worked tirelessly to be normal or at least my interpretation of what normal is. Yes, I have failed and many times I have succeeded in living a normal life. Now, I am just plain failing.

Am I getting help? Yes. Am I cooperating? Yes. Do I want to get better? Yes.

Deep down, I wanted this to be my big secret, but I guess nothing stays secret for long. Of all the things to happen to me, this is by far the worst. Nothing scares me more than having a mental illness. Nothing! I just want to be normal!