Hi Everyone! The day I am dreading is fast approaching. Work. My work was gracious and ordered me to go on vacation after my 4 weeks of CBT training (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). So, after this week is over its back to the old grind stone for me. Am I scared? You betcha!
I had a lunch visit with my big boss on Monday and that went is well as I would have expected. Basically he wanted to know if I can do the technical part of my job. I told him that I was very confident that I can do that, which I really am confident about that. What I was not so sure about is the social aspect of working. I think this is where I lost him. I think he was thinking co-workers, but I was actually taking about him, my manager and supervisor. Three of my biggest triggers and the scariest people at work. Yeah, I suspect my co-workers are going to be intimidating also but I can escape from them because my office is in a limited access area. Big thing with my co-works is the ton of questions they will be asking about where I have been for almost two months.
There were three things that the big man wanted from me when I get back. One is to move into the IS Department. Actually, I thought of that myself, so we are on the same page there. I was going to ask to be moved there if they didn’t. I thought it would help me be more accountable for my actions, since I can get a bit out of control some times. Two is only having business related discussion with co-workers and pretty much nothing private. Yeah, my company is such a family to me. This will be a hard one but I do see his point. In the past I have been known to be a little chatty. I believe that this would be helpful to keep my socializing to a business level. I totally understand why he wants it this way. Third is do more training courses on the new equipment being installed in my absence. Yes, my hospitalization and partial hospitalization could not have come at a worst time. Well, the good thing is I get manage exciting new equipment. Yay, for that.
Is there a down side? Without running down a path of cognitive distortions, I believe this could be my last chance. Without a doubt, I went haywire for many years and I was hiding all my screw ups. Well, they know now what went on. So, it’s time for me to regain their trust in me and fight for my life. I love were I work, it’s part of my life. At least thirteen years of it.
I am going to make this work! As scary as it is, I going to do it. I have too for me and my family. Yes, I have a mental illness, but there is no reason I can’t be successful. Time will tell but I am going to put my CBT skills into action and some DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills I am learning. If I keep my head in the game there is no reason I can’t fix my wrongs and regain trust. If any thing, I have to do it for me.
Needless to say, I am scared to death!
Anyway, thanks for all the support and I love Y’all!