That is what I have been feeling since last Wednesday, stuck in hell.
It all started when I returned to work and found out that I must have a doctor’s note. The note has to state that I am work ready and if there is any restrictions. Well, it seemed like the weight of the world started crashing down on me. I had no clue that my work needed such a note. I was told that I was reminded of this, but I do not remember hearing it. That is when a hug lump of guilt smacked me right across the head.
I went into work with a plan. I had my action plan ready to deal with normal stress that might come my way. Nothing prepared me for the bombardment of shame and guilt that followed after being told to go home. Gosh, I just wanted to get back to my life. I wanted to beat all my diseases and disorders. I wanted to show the world that James is a fighter and can live a productive life.
I don’t feel like giving a blow-by-blow account of what happened but I kind of felt overwhelmed by the whole situation. This caused me to just shutdown. I had to go to the doctor office to fill-out and sign a form. I couldn’t even do that. The poor lady had to go through the simple form step by step with me. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing while I drove home. I was so upset with the situation.
Well, after many calls by my boss, my work’s human resource person and me. My doctor refused to write the note until I see her nurse practitioner, which I have an appointment with anyway. I was also told that my doctor does not want me working. Guess what, without the note I can’t.
What a mess!
Boy, safety went out the door that day. I wanted the pain released somehow someway. I ended up calling my therapist to find some way to get me calmed down. Well, after a wonderful talk, my therapist did just that. My mood was still in the pits but it was just enough to raise my safety to a higher level than it was. I am pretty proud of myself. I didn’t hurt myself.
To be honest, this is just a speed bump. I have a feeling that once things return to normal. I can get back into the fight to be productive. I might be stuck in hell at the moment but I am hopeful to rise out of the pit.