Monthly Archives: June 2012

Friday Ramblings

Hi everyone!

It has been a tough week. Most of the week I have fighting with my emotions to the point of exhaustion. I am still not doing well today but feel a tad chipper. It helps when a friend writes a comment on my post that she liked it. That brightened my day. I know the subject matter was serious but it was nice to know that my writing was some what coherent. My latest writings seem to be getting better. I am impressing myself anyway.

Well I have been debating something. I can’t decide rather to continue training for the marathon or start training to ride a century (100 miles). My main problem is money. My health issues in the spring didn’t help the pocket book that much. The medical bills are starting to come in and insurance didn’t cover as much as I would have liked. So not much of a budget for sporting events.

The century is really cheap and I have no logistics to worry about. Just 10 hours of epic riding ( hopefully faster by then and it will take less time). The marathon on the other hand is a money pit, hotel and the cost of registering. It is a little steep for the budget. I just can’t help but think it might be a bad idea for this year.

What would it mean to do a century? It would mean a lot to me. There is just a love between me and a bike that I can’t explain. Getting a hybrid bike this year has livened me up so much and I need that. I just think the 100 mile ride would do more for me mental health wise than the marathon. Maybe I am wrong, but it sure reminds me of my cycling days in my 20s. I love that feeling and I think it has been therapeutic for me. Can my lungs hand it? They better!

Am I quitting walking? Heck no, I am still going to race this year. I just can’t do a marathon and a century at the same time. Just too much training and having motivation issues with marathon training anyway. Maybe riding is a good thing. Maybe I am a bit burnt out on walking.

Anywho, thats enough rambling for this Friday. Time to get some rest over the weekend.

Have a great weekend!

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Don’t Tell

Today I discovered that my google calendar syncs up with my iPhone. It had the capability the whole time. I just had the feature turned off. Boy, was I happy to discover that. I have been using the work calendar and I would prefer not too.

As I was moving over my appointments, I thought about adding National Invisible Chronic Illness Week (September 10-16, 2012). I can remember the first time finding the site. It was my first year suffering with asthma and it was nice knowing that people out there cared about me and others. The site had a template to blog with so I took the time and posted it on this blog. It was nice to put some my thoughts into words.

Well, this has also brought up thoughts about my borderline personality disorder and aspergers. Believe it or not, I am not to mention a word of my mental disorders to any one. This is supported by my wife, family, close friends, and bosses. Even BPD websites suggest that I keep my suffering tight lipped. Sadly, I didn’t believe there was such a stigma but finding it the hard way, sadly, there is.

Honestly at first and still today, I wonder what the big deal is. I am sick. This seems no different than fighting asthma. I have triggers and complications with both. I take a lot of meds to keep my brain and lungs as healthy as possible. Not only that, I have to change and adjust all the time with both illnesses to avoid triggers. Heck, both require hospitalization if they get out of had.

Yet, there is something different when dealing with mental health issues.

I have to admit, I was really scared of being diagnosed with a mental disorder. Heck, I will admit that I had a inkling things were not right about me for decades. Denial is a strange thing. I had really no clue I was that sick until I started on meds and therapy. I can see a lot of thing now, maybe a little to much.

Honestly, having BPD has nothing to do with being crazy. I saw a lot of ill people in the hospital and I would call none of them crazy. As a person suffering from BPD. I am an intelligent amazing person. I have met quite a few BPD suffers and they were all very bright people too. Our main problem is, we can’t control our emotions very well. Sometimes getting out of hand and we loose control. Most, if not every time, we want to hurt ourselves, not others.

Anyway, I am going to be ignorant here and ask, what is the stigma? I just don’t get it.

Since my blog is anonymous by design, I guess I am not really telling anyone I know that I have a mental disorder. I guess I following the rules, not disclosing what I have.

Exhaustion might be a clue

Yesterday I was at the end of my rope. I was so tired I could hardly make it through the afternoon. With all the sadness I’ve been feeling and major anxiety, I suspect that I was to exhausted to fight my disorder. Last night I went to bed around 7pm and got some much needed sleep. This was supported by my wife who was tired of me being a jerk. Yes, unfortunately, I can be really grouchy when exhausted.

Today, still extremely exhausted. Although as I write this, I had just taken my meds an hour ago and one of them happens to be a tranquilizer which I’m sure doesn’t help liven me up in the morning. So mornings tend to be a tad slow for me.

What’s been bothering me? To be honest, work. I am just having a tough time adjusting to the fact that a person is at my desk, using my phone extension, and mingling with my friends. All these things I’ve had for thirteen years. It is like I am seeing myself from the outside, yet, it isn’t me. Somebody else is wearing my shoes.

Last night while leaving work. I saw a person I like a whole lot talking to the one wearing my shoes. That really upset me. It shouldn’t have but it did.

See, I for one have abandonment issues, which seems common for us with BPD. I am really feeling abandoned around the work place. I am just having a tough time coping with what I see. My shoe wearer has a right to do my job because it’s no longer mine. The person I am quite found of has a right to enjoy a conversation with my shoe wearer.

Looking at this through my wise mind in mindfulness, these seem to be the wrong feelings that I should be feeling. I should be happy for the new IT person because he is getting along well with others and doing a great job.

Yet, I’m am bombarded with negative feelings that are just too hard to shut down when I’m exhausted. Actually, it’s no ones fault from how I see it. I am just sick.

I’m fighting this, It just takes time. Maybe a lot of time. Sigh

One foot in the door

Yep, I am feeling like I have one foot in the psychiatric care unit. I have been depressed for a little to long to not call it clinical depression. Really doesn’t matter how long I’ve had it because I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few months ago anyway.

Gosh, I am losing the fight. Honestly, I really am scared. I can’t give up.

I don’t know, yeah, I could blame this all on work but what will that accomplish. All I want is my life to play fair so I can adjust. Right now, how could I not feel miserable.

I hope someday I can look back at this and smile. Thinking, see James, you did recover. Until then, I need to find the strength to fight for my life.

The Monday blues

Yes, it is the Monday blues. This starts week 4 of working. Time is flying by.

Nothing has really changed here at work. I keep writing about it and I suspect its starting to sound like a broken record. Since my readership is down to a few people, this writing about work will not bore to many people.

It’s been so hard to work here. My emotions run rampant and I am not sure what I should be feeling and for that matter, thinking. I am trying so hard to be mindful of the situation but it still its making me sad.

To see some one working my job is just plain disheartening. This person is actually working really hard for employment from what I can tell. I don’t know if it’s my DPD talking or the person seems a bit intimidated by me. However, I don’t think this person has much to worry about. Frankly, from what I can tell, I burned my bridges and I’m the one who should be worried. Yes, I am worried.

How long I will have a job here is anyone’s guess. Yeah, I could be a little paranoid about it, but how should I be looking at this?

If I was in my work’s shoes, I would wait out the statute of limitations and ask me to prepare to leave the company. Although, after being so mean to me on my first day back, might not give me any notice.

IT administration is a big job with huge responsibility. I can’t be trusted anymore.

I have no excuses for being were I am today. Having BPD, abandonment issues come into play. I really had no idea I was purposely trying to destroy my career. It sounds strange but I was playing, “I hate you! Please don’t leave me” with my job. So by doing that I burnt my bridges. Yes, the truth came out while I was on two month medical leave.

It truly is sad and depressing.

On a bright note, I am going to continue to do the best I can and they are going to have to let me go because of my mental illness, not because of job performance. I am just not leaving 13 years with this company without a fight. I am going to leave here proud and with no guilt. I am a good employee! I think I’m very intelligent despite my mental health issues. I am going to take a bold stance here and say it will be their loss.

Friday Ramblings

Yes, a new installment of Friday Ramblings. This blog post used to be, for me anyway, the spotlight of this blog. Many moons ago I would write this post every Friday. I always liked it because there was no theme, just me rambling.

How has my week been? A real struggled. Actually, I am kind of slipping a little bit. Not that I want to but there has been situations this week that have been very emotional for me. I have started shutting down and using my former coping mechanisms to battle what my mental disorder is throwing at me. Sadly, the old coping mechanism is not very health and I just don’t want to be using it. Actually, it didn’t help in the past because it contributed to my stay in the hospital.

Yeah, I am very mindful of the situation, but knowing is one thing, changing my behavior patterns to a much more healthier way to cope, is a much harder thing.

However, with all that is going on, I am pushing through anyway and calling it a speed bump. My feelings might get out of hand sometimes but it doesn’t last.

On a brighter note, I am doing really well in my training. Not exactly following my training schedule but I think I’ve been productive none the less. Get a lot of foot mileage and bike mileage in. The bike has really made a difference in my cardio, I can move a lot more oxygen to the muscles now, even when restricted by asthma. I am still mindful of over-training and take rest brakes on schedule. Oh, as an added bonus, I’ve been loosing weight.

All in all, my exercise is good for my brain and my lungs.

Well, that’s enough rambling.

Have a great weekend and stay safe.

Still getting it done

Hi everyone! I’m still here and doing all I can to make my life better. It’s been been a little rocky the last few weeks but I am surviving.

I am on my third week back to work. My doctor thought it was best that I start out four hours a day first week, six hours a day the second week, and no restriction after that. So, this week is back to my normal work week.

My first day back I was slammed with an unexpected meeting. Not only that, I found out quickly that I didn’t have a desk because someone was occupying it. Heck, I didn’t have a desk at all and was shipped off the the training room.

The meeting was horrible. My boss stripped me of my security clearance, keys, and administration capabilities. I even had to admit a major job performance failure which I am not sure what would of happened if I didn’t. I guess by doing so it justified stripping me of a job I held for thirteen years. I also was told to think of this as starting over as a new job.

Really not sure what the motive was but that is how the first hour went on the first day back. Gosh, I was emotional the whole time. Just could not believe how mean my boss was being to me. Sad part, he honestly thought he was helping me. He kept trying to reinforce that he is doing all this to help me. Honestly, didn’t help me one bit.

He is right about putting me on less stressful duty. I can’t really handle it. Did he really need to strip me of everything though and humiliate me by stuffing in a closet (so to speak). Honestly, I thought the whole thing was demeaning and my feelings were hurt.

Right now, I am slowly getting past the anger and hurt. They have me doing odd tasks, but I am doing the tasks well. However, the whole time the new IT guy and a IT consultant work on some major upgrades to the network. That is something I would have been doing. Yes, it is disheartening to see them at work.

Oh well, I had a gut feeling this was going to happen. Sadly, I hate being right. Well, at least I still have a job. It sure is better than none.

Other than that, training for the marathon in October is going well. I also have been doing some cycling. Something that I truly like to do, I just love riding. Plus, all this exercising is helpful with me lungs and brain.

I still haven’t lost hope for a bright future. I just need to work hard to get better.

Thanks for reading.