The Monday blues

Yes, it is the Monday blues. This starts week 4 of working. Time is flying by.

Nothing has really changed here at work. I keep writing about it and I suspect its starting to sound like a broken record. Since my readership is down to a few people, this writing about work will not bore to many people.

It’s been so hard to work here. My emotions run rampant and I am not sure what I should be feeling and for that matter, thinking. I am trying so hard to be mindful of the situation but it still its making me sad.

To see some one working my job is just plain disheartening. This person is actually working really hard for employment from what I can tell. I don’t know if it’s my DPD talking or the person seems a bit intimidated by me. However, I don’t think this person has much to worry about. Frankly, from what I can tell, I burned my bridges and I’m the one who should be worried. Yes, I am worried.

How long I will have a job here is anyone’s guess. Yeah, I could be a little paranoid about it, but how should I be looking at this?

If I was in my work’s shoes, I would wait out the statute of limitations and ask me to prepare to leave the company. Although, after being so mean to me on my first day back, might not give me any notice.

IT administration is a big job with huge responsibility. I can’t be trusted anymore.

I have no excuses for being were I am today. Having BPD, abandonment issues come into play. I really had no idea I was purposely trying to destroy my career. It sounds strange but I was playing, “I hate you! Please don’t leave me” with my job. So by doing that I burnt my bridges. Yes, the truth came out while I was on two month medical leave.

It truly is sad and depressing.

On a bright note, I am going to continue to do the best I can and they are going to have to let me go because of my mental illness, not because of job performance. I am just not leaving 13 years with this company without a fight. I am going to leave here proud and with no guilt. I am a good employee! I think I’m very intelligent despite my mental health issues. I am going to take a bold stance here and say it will be their loss.

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4 responses to “The Monday blues

  1. “I am a good employee! I think I’m very intelligent despite my mental health issues.”
    Of course, the two are totally unrelated. Hold on in there!

    • Thanks Hannah! I am holding on as best as I can. It’s been tough and part of me just doesn’t understand what is happening. Ever since finding out that I have been sick for decades, life has been kind of surreal lately.

  2. You said you had no idea you were purposely burning your bridges. If you didn’t know, it wasn’t on purpose!

    Still rooting for you, James. You’re a fighter!

    • Hi Elisheva! I truly appreciate all the support you’ve given me throughout the whole year. You are right, I didn’t do this on purpose. It will just take some time to adjust. How much time? I don’t really know. In thee an time I will just have to fight my emotions and come out on top. There is no other option for me. I have a family that needs me, so I am going to give my all everyday.

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