Yesterday I was at the end of my rope. I was so tired I could hardly make it through the afternoon. With all the sadness I’ve been feeling and major anxiety, I suspect that I was to exhausted to fight my disorder. Last night I went to bed around 7pm and got some much needed sleep. This was supported by my wife who was tired of me being a jerk. Yes, unfortunately, I can be really grouchy when exhausted.
Today, still extremely exhausted. Although as I write this, I had just taken my meds an hour ago and one of them happens to be a tranquilizer which I’m sure doesn’t help liven me up in the morning. So mornings tend to be a tad slow for me.
What’s been bothering me? To be honest, work. I am just having a tough time adjusting to the fact that a person is at my desk, using my phone extension, and mingling with my friends. All these things I’ve had for thirteen years. It is like I am seeing myself from the outside, yet, it isn’t me. Somebody else is wearing my shoes.
Last night while leaving work. I saw a person I like a whole lot talking to the one wearing my shoes. That really upset me. It shouldn’t have but it did.
See, I for one have abandonment issues, which seems common for us with BPD. I am really feeling abandoned around the work place. I am just having a tough time coping with what I see. My shoe wearer has a right to do my job because it’s no longer mine. The person I am quite found of has a right to enjoy a conversation with my shoe wearer.
Looking at this through my wise mind in mindfulness, these seem to be the wrong feelings that I should be feeling. I should be happy for the new IT person because he is getting along well with others and doing a great job.
Yet, I’m am bombarded with negative feelings that are just too hard to shut down when I’m exhausted. Actually, it’s no ones fault from how I see it. I am just sick.
I’m fighting this, It just takes time. Maybe a lot of time. Sigh