Monthly Archives: July 2012

Friday Ramblings

Whew, what a week. Hi everyone, it’s finally Friday.

My week started out really well. I decided to pick Monday morning as a good time to get my blood work done. I see my GP next Monday so I wanted to make sure he got the results he needed in time. I would think a week would be sufficient. Basically, I think he wants to see if I need another Reclast treatment for my Paget’s disease. It is close to a year since the infusion so it is over due to check the progress. Hopefully my alkaline phosphates are at tolerable levels. I am training for a century bike ride and having an infusion of Reclast again might hinder my success. Here is hoping for the best.

Oh, speaking of blood work. I had a break through. I was not afraid to get my blood work done. I just asked for a butterfly needle, sat in the chair, closed my eyes, and let it happen. Few minutes later, it was all done. I am so proud of myself. I hope this trend continues.

The rest of the week has been tough. I am been an emotional wreck caused by an unsuspecting trigger on Tuesday. It would seem that I am still having difficulties with being replaced by someone else. The person that wears my shoes is doing great, but it is painful to watch. Maybe, in time I can get past this. It’s not his fault. This would be a tough situation for anyone. I think most in my position would find other employment, but where am I going to go. I am not the very educated and the young college grads need jobs too. I am just not qualified for the job I do now. I was just extremely lucky to work were I work. I don’t mean to cut myself down, but these are the facts. When you add the stigma of mental illness into the mix, I’m afraid my options even get narrower. However, I have made it this far, one never knows what the future might bring if I try. As I recover from my illness, I am going to try. Not only for the wellbeing of my family, but for me also.

I think I will talk about my training. So far so good with training for the century ride. I should have gotten in some miles before the weekend in but it has been so hot here. I could be working on my core but I have never really been that motivated to do that. I think I should because it would help my riding posture and stamina. Hey, let’s just say this is a work in progress (Hehe). I am riding well and getting stronger.

This weekend is 65 miles. I am thinking about using the same route as I did two weeks ago with some slight variations at the beginning of the route. There is one road section that has dogs chasing me, big ones. I just don’t feel like out sprinting them and risking injury. I still have a long way to go in strengthening my legs for the RPMs needed for out sprinting big dogs. Best to avoid them.

Well, that’s about all the time I have.

Have a great weekend and take care of yourselves. Hugs

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On a more positive note

Hi everyone, I am a little concerned about how negative my site has been getting. Yes, I have been struggling and I have been writing those struggles here, but rest assured I am fighting that negativity.

I have gotten better.

1) No intrusive thoughts (A big one)

2) A little less paranoid

3) A little less fear of things

4) Yay, I can actually do blood work without freaking out

5) Even though I think I should be treated better at work, I am getting by regardless. A lot of forgiveness is involved.

6) I am more self-confident now

7) Turns out, I am a better cyclist than a walker. Yeah, I kind of knew that. Hehe. I have made some strides in me training that have been remarkable. Not to toot my own horn but I was a good cyclist when I was young and nothing has changed in my 40s. Riding is a passion of mine and I am good at it. Slow now days, but getting stronger by the week. Very therapeutic for me.

8) Struggling with God but that relationship is still strong. God has known all along that I’ve been ill. Thank you God for being there for me when I wasn’t. Love ya!

Well, that is just a few things I can think of.

Please take care everyone! I will try to write more this week.

Life is going to get better…Right?

I just can’t help but feel sad today and a little helpless. My wife will not support my recovery and I desperately need her on my side. Work is just a plain unknown, not sure what is going to happen. I am over whelmed with the thought that my life has yet to hit rock bottom. Gosh, more pieces to pick up. I have enough to pick up now.

Home life is a wreck. My wife thinks I am a bum and that the therapy did nothing for me. She thinks I just want to stay the way I am now. Frankly, to her, I am being a jerk. I told her last night that she needed to go to a support group for people who have mentally ill family members. She told me she doesn’t have time for that crap. It is hard not to assume that she just wants me to conform to her needs and my needs are unimportant. This whole thing is just a nightmare. I made vows to God that I would stay with her for better or worst so I guess I need to fulfill that promise. As much as I don’t want to be a robot husband, I guess that is my only route.

My goodness, work. I am still waiting for the anvil to drop. They have me revamping a web app I created many years ago and that is actually going well. I am still treated pretty poorly by management. It usually ends up giving the feeling that they don’t think I deserve to work there. Frankly, in some respects, I don’t. I can understand how they could feel this way. There is nothing I can do here but work as hard as I possible can and when asked to leave, I will be leaving with some dignity.

Gosh, when people visit my blog, I want everyone to see a mentally ill person having a positive journey to recovery. To be honest, I think that I have been. I have stayed pretty strong through all these current trials. For some reason, people are afraid of mental health issues and that is why there is a stigma attached to it. Those with mentally illness need our help desperately.

Have you hugged your mentally ill friend today? Come on; give me a cyber hug…Hehe

What I am feeling

I haven’t written much on how I am feeling lately. I think I will do that in my writing. As some may already know, I have aspergers and borderline personality disorder (BPD). This is a childhood disorder so when I was diagnosed 3 months ago, I had been living unaware of these disorders for some three decades. Yes, I knew that I was different, but in those three decades I had leaned to adjust to my environment pretty successfully. In a way, I should pat myself on the back.

Part of learning skills to combat mental illness is therapy skills. One of the skill sets I am slowly studying is DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) created by Marsha M. Linehan. She based most of the therapy on Buddhism. So lately, I have been reading about mindfulness and how it is achieved through Buddhism. Yes, it would seem that I found Buddha. I am not really interested in becoming Buddhist but I do believe that Buddha could help me lessen my suffering. It looks like Buddha had a lot of emotional suffering and learned how to control the suffering and find peace. It is worth taking a look.

Lately I have been really using mindfulness. I have been looking deeply into myself trying to find a way to recover from my disorders. It would seem that discovery and recognition of my symptoms has to come first before any healing can begin. Then find coping skills to combat those symptoms. This is a hard process that I have yet to get a handle on, but I have all the time in the world. I will recover.

How do I feel lately?

I feel shame. Yes, that’s right, shame. Last week I discovered what aspergers really was. I knew it was high function autism, but I really did not know the full extent of what autism is. I had spent all my time thinking BPD was the main contributor of my issues. I failed to see what aspergers brings to the table. Sadly, it brings a lot. My autism seems to have more influence on me than BPD. I have a theory that autism and BPD are such opposites that it neutralized symptoms in some respects, but not enough for me to be symptom free. I can’t prove that but it seems possible. Even my doctor thought it might be a good theory on how I managed to make it though three decades without therapy. I have no idea why things changed to where I am today but honestly, I did have a good run going.

It seems I have digressed, back to my feelings of shame.

See, I view myself as a very trustworthy nice guy. As I am finding out, that is not the case. For the most part I am a nice to everyone I meet but trustworthiness is something I destroyed. That is just a plain sad fact. I have lied to the people I love and those that I work for. I have covered up the fact that I had problems and kept it as my big dark secret. I had no idea I was sick and obviously wasn’t thinking correctly. Even so, it damaged relationships and now makes it hard to trust me. I was caught up in the stigma of mental illness myself.

Just to let everyone I have gone down road of forgiveness for myself. It was a hard road but a much needed attempt so I could start my recovery. With that said, I can not control the forgiveness granted to me by the people I betrayed. Even if they have forgiven me, it must be hard for them to trust me again. I sure understand that feeling. I would feel the same way.

So, that is where the shame comes in. As more and more of my past surfaces like a knife in my back, there is not much I can feel but shame. When April 2012 rolled around, it was like my whole world changed. I went from a guy that sort of had it together to a guy that had to clean up the mess made by someone else. That is how I feel. I have to clean up for myself. I have to take responsibility for actions and behaviors that I had no control of.

I am not writing this for pity. Just wanted to share a snippet of what I’ve had to deal with. I hope the future me is trustworthy and a very nice guy. That is who I think I am. I definitely have a long way to go on recovery and I am going to fight for it also.

All I can say is…

Hi! I am James and I am mentally ill!

That’s right folks, I am ill. If you don’t like it then don’t be around me. Stigma or not, I am a person with feelings and I’m intelligent. I’m getting so tired of feeling like a crazy person. Yeah, having to live a fake life and covering up my illness doesn’t help me. What does help me is keeping things real, being mindful of my actions. I am not going to do that by pretending I am not ill.

What do you mean I am dwelling too much on my illness and I need to suck it up?

Yep, I have been told that before. What! suck it up? Hey, if they want to try on my asperger and borderline personality disorder shoes on for size. I would be glad to let them walk around the block to see how it feels, although I will want my shoes back because I don’t wish my disorders on anyone.

I am telling everyone right now, I am doing the best I can. I have been sick for decades and didn’t know it. I just want to live my life to its fullest and wish everyone would support my quest. I do not need anyone’s pity. I need their friendship and love.

I am a loving person too!

Separation is in the air

This weekend was an interesting one. I have learned that my wife wants to separate. Not a real shocker but it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. Yes, we have had trying times through the years but we have made it through.

Her argument – I have changed in the past few years and she doesn’t like the person she is married to now. She says I am not very nice to her. I don’t do my share of home chores. She is unable to make friends because I chase them away. The really big one, I am only 9% of a father to my children. Yeah, there are more on the list than these few sentences, but these are the most common.

To be honest, nothing she pointed out is off base. Yes, I could be doing a lot better than I am. Yes, I have mental health issues. Yes, it’s only been a few months since I was hospitalized for depression.

The question for me is, do I change for her or change for myself?

Sure, I could turn into a robot and follow all the directions she programs into me. Frankly, that is how I feel right now if I try to come to the table with the intent to keeping her happy.

I remember a time when seeking out my religion (Judaism). I faced stiff opposition from her. She even broke a remote trying to throw it at me and even hit me a few times when discussing my intent to convert. She threatened to take the boys away from me also and said I will never see them again. There were quite a few of these incidents that it came to a point that I gave up. I chose to keep harmony in my home instead of pursuing something that was truly important to me. Religion and family are so important in my life; they equal each other on priority.

Sadly, I can remember all the times that she hit me in front of my children. I have never hit her, nor would I ever. I told her many times that it was wrong, but in her anger, she didn’t much care. She even battered me with my youngest boy in my arms. Has she hurt me? Yes, I don’t bruise easy but she did leave makes that stayed around for a few hours.

I can remember not to long ago the many fights in the hospital about me ruining her life. I was trying to get better so I can leave and she said terrible things to me. My doctor ended up talking to her and asking her to leave me alone so I can heal. Yeah, the no support thing was just plain sad. I would have never done that to her. This is a hard one to forgive.

There are probably many other things I could knit pick about but these are truly the most awful things that have been done to me and really stand out. I have a tough time with these few I mentioned.

Am I a perfect husband or even a good husband? Probably not and I admit it.

I am sure that I have done some things to her that are unforgivable. But, the difference for us is, I am not the one asking for separation and possible divorce.

The really sad part is my boys. I have a tough time believing that a judge in my state would allow a mentally ill man joint custody of his children. I hope I am wrong about that but I am sure I will have a fight on my hands over my boys. Plus, I will be so money strapped if we were to separate. I am going to pay child support and make sure my boys are well taken care of. I don’t care how much hardship I have to face.

The 2012 has been an awful one. Gosh, the light of my future is getting dimmer again.