This weekend was an interesting one. I have learned that my wife wants to separate. Not a real shocker but it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. Yes, we have had trying times through the years but we have made it through.
Her argument – I have changed in the past few years and she doesn’t like the person she is married to now. She says I am not very nice to her. I don’t do my share of home chores. She is unable to make friends because I chase them away. The really big one, I am only 9% of a father to my children. Yeah, there are more on the list than these few sentences, but these are the most common.
To be honest, nothing she pointed out is off base. Yes, I could be doing a lot better than I am. Yes, I have mental health issues. Yes, it’s only been a few months since I was hospitalized for depression.
The question for me is, do I change for her or change for myself?
Sure, I could turn into a robot and follow all the directions she programs into me. Frankly, that is how I feel right now if I try to come to the table with the intent to keeping her happy.
I remember a time when seeking out my religion (Judaism). I faced stiff opposition from her. She even broke a remote trying to throw it at me and even hit me a few times when discussing my intent to convert. She threatened to take the boys away from me also and said I will never see them again. There were quite a few of these incidents that it came to a point that I gave up. I chose to keep harmony in my home instead of pursuing something that was truly important to me. Religion and family are so important in my life; they equal each other on priority.
Sadly, I can remember all the times that she hit me in front of my children. I have never hit her, nor would I ever. I told her many times that it was wrong, but in her anger, she didn’t much care. She even battered me with my youngest boy in my arms. Has she hurt me? Yes, I don’t bruise easy but she did leave makes that stayed around for a few hours.
I can remember not to long ago the many fights in the hospital about me ruining her life. I was trying to get better so I can leave and she said terrible things to me. My doctor ended up talking to her and asking her to leave me alone so I can heal. Yeah, the no support thing was just plain sad. I would have never done that to her. This is a hard one to forgive.
There are probably many other things I could knit pick about but these are truly the most awful things that have been done to me and really stand out. I have a tough time with these few I mentioned.
Am I a perfect husband or even a good husband? Probably not and I admit it.
I am sure that I have done some things to her that are unforgivable. But, the difference for us is, I am not the one asking for separation and possible divorce.
The really sad part is my boys. I have a tough time believing that a judge in my state would allow a mentally ill man joint custody of his children. I hope I am wrong about that but I am sure I will have a fight on my hands over my boys. Plus, I will be so money strapped if we were to separate. I am going to pay child support and make sure my boys are well taken care of. I don’t care how much hardship I have to face.
The 2012 has been an awful one. Gosh, the light of my future is getting dimmer again.