Monthly Archives: August 2012

Getting positive routines

I called Illinois Mental Health Collaborative for Access and Choice’s warm line again. I can’t tell you enough how fruitful it is to talk to one of their councilors. The nice thing is, it’s a free service and anonymous. I am going to find a way to give back to them in the future.

Well, the councilor gave me a lot of advice to chew on. On that stuck out to me is setting a routine in the morning that will prepare me for the day. Something uplifting that will set my mood in a positive direction so I have a head-start in winning the battles of the day. They also have classes that I can attend that will teach me these routines and also in creating action plans when faced with major stressors and triggers. I think it is in my best interests to try to take a class.

So, what can I change in my morning routine. The problem right now is going to work at 7am. I don’t feel like getting up any earlier than 5am. So by the time I bathe, eat something, take meds, and prepare lunch, it’s 6am and I have a 30 minute drive ahead of me. Although in September, I go back to 8am again.

I think the big thing missing is prayer time. I think making time for that again would be helpful. I am a liturgy kind of person and usually like to pray the morning office. I have not been able to just pray on my own for quite a while. Sometimes the liturgy pauses for prayer and meditation and I sometimes pray on my own, which is usually for others that are struggling and need a helping hand. I do not like to pray for my own needs.

Frankly, I would be lying if I said that time was the only reason I haven’t been praying. I always struggle with this side of religious practice. I guess I am just lazy or something. However, I think it’s time that I try to get back into it.

I find spiritual practice to be so uplifting and I am missing out on that. That is why I found Judaism to be so awesome. To lay Tefillin and wear Tallit in the morning seems so holy to me. Since Judaism is not in the cards just yet, I will settle for Christianity and its rituals, which isn’t much.

So, for this week, I am going to pray again. This time I am going to look at as an uplifting thing instead of a duty.

Wish me success…

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What rock should I live under?

Tough, tough weekend…after nearly ending my life on Friday, it was a tough weekend trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Honestly, I guess I should feel embarrassed by what happened Friday, but I am not. Actually I don’t really care. Yes, I don’t care one bit. As I write this post, I could care less about anything.

Therapy – There is just no way can I go to Partial Hospitalization. Yes, I need to go badly. However, I have no time left and no financial means to support my family on medical leave without pay. My current treatments since April have broken us financially. My wife and I are doing our best but the medical bills keep arriving in the mail.

Today, I disclosed to my work that I am doing badly, just so they know. I figured it wasn’t fair to them if I didn’t give them some heads-up. Of course, that is a trigger laden thing for me and really sent my mood plunging.

Well, this is how my Monday morning is panning out. I am waiting for medical staff to call me to give me my options. Fun stuff!

Hmmm…I wonder what rock I should dig under. It’s got to be better than this?

Riding myself to death

I made a big mistake yesterday. I just had it my head that I was going to go out and put big mileage in on the bike to clear my sadness. Frankly, at a 100F, a part of me was thinking something else.

See, I discovered that there is many parts to my thinking. One part could give a hoot about anything. Heck, this part doesn’t even care about rather I live or not. Another part of my is the caring one that cares a little too much. Then yet another is the wise one, the one that usually saves my life when the time comes to stop. Yet, the wise one only steps in when I am on the borderline of actually self-harming myself.

I am afraid that one day the wise one is going to step aside and let the other two kill me.

Anyway, I was very sad yesterday and decided to take it out on the bike. I rode so hard that I was to a point of heat exhaustion. I ended up stopping and sitting in the shade of some corn. I broke down and called 911. Maybe I should have called family first, but at that moment, 911 was the only thing in me head. Help was on the way. Wow, my vitals were bad. Blood pressure was really low, heart rate was through the roof, and O2 was low also. They put me on 6L of O2 to help me snap out of it.

I was transported to the hospital where I got the typical psyche evaluation and my doctor was called. My doctor thought hospitalization was not going to help me and that I should go into the partial hospitalization program again. They couldn’t do much because of the weekend so I had to promise to be good until Monday or I was staying. I made that promise.

To be honest, not sure why I did it. I guess I am more sick than I realize. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me and I am in less in control than I thought. I thought I was doing better.

Could I be broken hearted?

It has been a rough few days for me. Mental illness or not, I don’t see anyone making it out unscathed. As a matter of fact, my whole life changed on the first of April and like I have said in many posts, I’m not sure I hit rock bottom just yet. I have been hot and heavy on learning mindfulness from Buddhism. Buddha has a lot to teach me on healing my mind and soul. The only problem is, I am finding mindfulness to be a two-edged sword, as I look deep within, the truth I seek is not that pretty. I have had a hard time liking myself. I spent my whole life as a fraud. Pretending to be well and fighting hard to protect it. Even lying to everyone I hold dear to keep my mental health issues a secret. Now that the truth is out and betrayed everyone, I not sure I deserve better.

I am broken-hearted – My replacement is so charismatic and is so easy to get along with. He is doing so well for the company. I feel so abandoned and ashamed right now. I should be like that but I am not. My mental illness kept me from doing the right thing. Yes, I had no idea I was sick but I still have to live with the consciences of my actions even after the big fallout.  I feel like I have a pity job right now and I don’t deserve to work here. My replacement does!

I am broken-hearted – My family life is a wreak and I am hating it. I get abused the day before and now it’s like nothing has happened. It’s like this all the time, plays beautifully with my co-dependency. I guess this is what kept me in the game. I am so tired of this game. I am just so sad about this. I made marriage vows to God to love my wife for better or for worse.

Please God, can you excuse the vows I have given? This marriage is given me so much heart-break and I can’t handle my life anymore. Yes, I haven’t been the greatest husband either, and I am ashamed of that, but I don’t know what to say. As you well know God, I have had multiple mental illnesses since my childhood and I do believe you have had a hand in my life all along. What some might think is lucky breaks, I think it could be more divine planning than anything. I will trust that my future is in your hands, it’s just that the present is way too hard for me. Please God, I can’t loose this fight because my boys need me. I beg you, give me strength. God, I am so indebted to you, I don’t deserve the love of an infinite being. I am lost God, I am lost!

I am so sad right now and the fighting spirit has left me. The pain runs deep and I want it to end.

That’s about all I want to say now. I am hoping I snap out of this soon.

Nightmare of a night

Last night was a blowout night. It all started when I asked if it is ok for me to get some miles in on the bike. I was told that I needed to stay home and take care of the children like a good husband should. So, I listen to my wife and stayed home like a good husband is supposed to do. Was I upset? Just a tad.

I guess it all started when I was giving the boys a bath. My littlest one had fallen asleep during supper time and had just awakened for bath time. Well, he was a little upset and was crying a lot. Which is typical of him and he eventually cools down. Well, I decided since he was already awake I will give him his bath with his older brother. That ended up making him more upset. My littlest one wanted no part of it. However, he needed a bath after swimming all day. So, I speedily bathed my youngest and asked my wife to see if she can get him to calm down. That way I can bathe my 4-year-old. The 2-year-old wanted nothing to do with his mother so we had to switch positions. I guess my wife wanted no part of it. My oldest boy and his mother started getting into a fight and I was told that she couldn’t handle him, so I needed to deal with him. I went in there and started getting him cleaned up.

That is when the disaster started.

Sure enough, she comes in the bath room and tells me I am not supporting her. I guess I should have explained to my 4-year-old that he needs to respect his mother. But, I knew beforehand that she was pretty cranky and that my son might not be the blame for the entire argument. Plus, I wasn’t really in the mood for confrontation so I just wanted to get the baths done.

Next thing I know the one-sided argument turns into a full 8oz insulated sippy cup hitting me in the back as hard as my wife could throw it and that hurt. I told her that was assault and I told her many times that I want her to stop. She told me a story about my therapy is teaching me the wrong things and that I am not changing my ways to keep the marriage going. All the therapy was a waste of time. In addition, every little hurtful thing she could think of. I guess I was using my CBT skills because I made boundaries during the argument and refused to get on the drama triangle. I was not interested in discussing marital needs when one of the spouses was beyond upset.

Sad part is, she told me that the only reason she hurts me is because I make her so angry she needs a release. When, I repeated what she just told me, she said that she didn’t mean it that way. Well, it sure sounds like an abuser to me. Yep, as long as I don’t make her mad I won’t get hit. I am so tired of my co-dependency tendency. I have put up with this for 15 years at least. Oh, I forgot, I was told that I verbally abuse her and she is just defending herself. Yeah, standing up for my self is verbally abusive to her. I am starting to realize my wife has some problems.

The only thing I disciplined my 4-year-old was when he told her to leave the house because he was mad at her. Both boys actually took my side and wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I told them that was wrong. I have done some bad things and I was forgiven. They need to give that same forgiveness to their mother. Not once did I say anything negative towards their mother, it is not my place.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I am just not willing to change until I see some positive change from her. I want to be loved, not talking about sex, just a daily hug and a kiss would be nice. I am not asking for much.

The big obstacle – I can not get past how she treated me in the hospital. I was trying to heal from major depression and see attacked me every visit. Telling me how I am destroying her life while I am in the hospital. I was in lock down anyway, so I couldn’t leave if I wanted too. I saw a lot of supportive spouses during my stay, it was sad that mine was not. I suppose I have not forgiven her like I thought I did.

This saga continues to be a total mess.

Thanks for reading and for your support…

Encouraging Maybe?

Yesterday was my visits with the doctor and the therapist. I ended up getting good reports from both of them. I have a lot on my plate right now and I seem to be handling it better than expected for a person with a mental illness of my severity.

The topics of major discussion were my job and home life, both being somewhat a nightmare. Yes, I am totally disconnected emotionally from these major issues. I have to be actually. I am trying to keep a level head about all that is going on so disconnecting was the only coping mechanism that keeps me from going into emotional overload. Is it a health way to go at this? Heck no! I am still learning coping skills and these are some large issues I am facing.

What are these large issues? One would be my job and the other my marriage. Both of them are big unknowns.

My job is a big disaster waiting to happen. I have been totally replaced and a management that seems to not know what to do with me. I have neither guidance nor expectations, just doing busy work. It is disheartening to be in the position I am in. Unfortunately, I landed my job out of pure luck and I have no business really having it. I wish not to sound like I am lacking confidence or anything like that. It is just a fact that I am not educated like my replacement or anyone else they were to hire into my position. However, after thirteen years of working hard and learning how to do my job at my employment, I am qualified to do the job here. Just have nothing to really show on the outside. Plus, there is a factor of my mental illness. No matter who I am employed with I will always need a light consideration for my mental health. Would they cooperate? Anyone’s guess is as good as mine.

My home life is pretty much a disaster too. I have a wife that doesn’t like me much anymore. She wants me to be some kind of robot husband, just plug-in the “honey do” list and press the start button. That would be fair if I received love in return. Yet, throughout our 11 years of marriage, returning love is not her strong point. So, even before being diagnosed with mental illness, I had already made boundaries and quit being at her beck and call. It is sad. I do not want to separate and I really want to make it work. But I am not going to sacrifice who I am to make this work. She is going to have to make changes also. Until that time comes, I am unwilling to make changes to fit her needs. It is just not worth it at this point. I am sure there are other nice ladies out there that need love and would love me back, the right way. I feel that I kind of deserve better and happiness.

The really, really sad part is my wonderful boys and the effect of parents separating. My parents have been married for 47 years and I have no clue what something like that is like. I kind of like my parents together and I want that for my children. Yet, maybe some things are not meant to be. Like always, there are consequences for every action taken.

The big question of the day from both doctor and therapist was can I maintain my life with these issues over shadowing me? The answer, I am not sure that I can. Then I was asked how I can make it better? Honest truth, I have no clue what to do. I can’t change the other person, just myself.

I guess I will leave at that.

I sure wish I could say something encouraging for my fellow BPDers and Aspergerians, but I am kind of lacking, sorry. I am being a pretty strong rock about all this, so if someone can draw strength from my words, what a blessing for us all. I have big hopes that things will work out for the better. This is just the hard times I must face. Yeah, it hasn’t been much fun.