Yesterday was my visits with the doctor and the therapist. I ended up getting good reports from both of them. I have a lot on my plate right now and I seem to be handling it better than expected for a person with a mental illness of my severity.
The topics of major discussion were my job and home life, both being somewhat a nightmare. Yes, I am totally disconnected emotionally from these major issues. I have to be actually. I am trying to keep a level head about all that is going on so disconnecting was the only coping mechanism that keeps me from going into emotional overload. Is it a health way to go at this? Heck no! I am still learning coping skills and these are some large issues I am facing.
What are these large issues? One would be my job and the other my marriage. Both of them are big unknowns.
My job is a big disaster waiting to happen. I have been totally replaced and a management that seems to not know what to do with me. I have neither guidance nor expectations, just doing busy work. It is disheartening to be in the position I am in. Unfortunately, I landed my job out of pure luck and I have no business really having it. I wish not to sound like I am lacking confidence or anything like that. It is just a fact that I am not educated like my replacement or anyone else they were to hire into my position. However, after thirteen years of working hard and learning how to do my job at my employment, I am qualified to do the job here. Just have nothing to really show on the outside. Plus, there is a factor of my mental illness. No matter who I am employed with I will always need a light consideration for my mental health. Would they cooperate? Anyone’s guess is as good as mine.
My home life is pretty much a disaster too. I have a wife that doesn’t like me much anymore. She wants me to be some kind of robot husband, just plug-in the “honey do” list and press the start button. That would be fair if I received love in return. Yet, throughout our 11 years of marriage, returning love is not her strong point. So, even before being diagnosed with mental illness, I had already made boundaries and quit being at her beck and call. It is sad. I do not want to separate and I really want to make it work. But I am not going to sacrifice who I am to make this work. She is going to have to make changes also. Until that time comes, I am unwilling to make changes to fit her needs. It is just not worth it at this point. I am sure there are other nice ladies out there that need love and would love me back, the right way. I feel that I kind of deserve better and happiness.
The really, really sad part is my wonderful boys and the effect of parents separating. My parents have been married for 47 years and I have no clue what something like that is like. I kind of like my parents together and I want that for my children. Yet, maybe some things are not meant to be. Like always, there are consequences for every action taken.
The big question of the day from both doctor and therapist was can I maintain my life with these issues over shadowing me? The answer, I am not sure that I can. Then I was asked how I can make it better? Honest truth, I have no clue what to do. I can’t change the other person, just myself.
I guess I will leave at that.
I sure wish I could say something encouraging for my fellow BPDers and Aspergerians, but I am kind of lacking, sorry. I am being a pretty strong rock about all this, so if someone can draw strength from my words, what a blessing for us all. I have big hopes that things will work out for the better. This is just the hard times I must face. Yeah, it hasn’t been much fun.