Nightmare of a night

Last night was a blowout night. It all started when I asked if it is ok for me to get some miles in on the bike. I was told that I needed to stay home and take care of the children like a good husband should. So, I listen to my wife and stayed home like a good husband is supposed to do. Was I upset? Just a tad.

I guess it all started when I was giving the boys a bath. My littlest one had fallen asleep during supper time and had just awakened for bath time. Well, he was a little upset and was crying a lot. Which is typical of him and he eventually cools down. Well, I decided since he was already awake I will give him his bath with his older brother. That ended up making him more upset. My littlest one wanted no part of it. However, he needed a bath after swimming all day. So, I speedily bathed my youngest and asked my wife to see if she can get him to calm down. That way I can bathe my 4-year-old. The 2-year-old wanted nothing to do with his mother so we had to switch positions. I guess my wife wanted no part of it. My oldest boy and his mother started getting into a fight and I was told that she couldn’t handle him, so I needed to deal with him. I went in there and started getting him cleaned up.

That is when the disaster started.

Sure enough, she comes in the bath room and tells me I am not supporting her. I guess I should have explained to my 4-year-old that he needs to respect his mother. But, I knew beforehand that she was pretty cranky and that my son might not be the blame for the entire argument. Plus, I wasn’t really in the mood for confrontation so I just wanted to get the baths done.

Next thing I know the one-sided argument turns into a full 8oz insulated sippy cup hitting me in the back as hard as my wife could throw it and that hurt. I told her that was assault and I told her many times that I want her to stop. She told me a story about my therapy is teaching me the wrong things and that I am not changing my ways to keep the marriage going. All the therapy was a waste of time. In addition, every little hurtful thing she could think of. I guess I was using my CBT skills because I made boundaries during the argument and refused to get on the drama triangle. I was not interested in discussing marital needs when one of the spouses was beyond upset.

Sad part is, she told me that the only reason she hurts me is because I make her so angry she needs a release. When, I repeated what she just told me, she said that she didn’t mean it that way. Well, it sure sounds like an abuser to me. Yep, as long as I don’t make her mad I won’t get hit. I am so tired of my co-dependency tendency. I have put up with this for 15 years at least. Oh, I forgot, I was told that I verbally abuse her and she is just defending herself. Yeah, standing up for my self is verbally abusive to her. I am starting to realize my wife has some problems.

The only thing I disciplined my 4-year-old was when he told her to leave the house because he was mad at her. Both boys actually took my side and wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I told them that was wrong. I have done some bad things and I was forgiven. They need to give that same forgiveness to their mother. Not once did I say anything negative towards their mother, it is not my place.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I am just not willing to change until I see some positive change from her. I want to be loved, not talking about sex, just a daily hug and a kiss would be nice. I am not asking for much.

The big obstacle – I can not get past how she treated me in the hospital. I was trying to heal from major depression and see attacked me every visit. Telling me how I am destroying her life while I am in the hospital. I was in lock down anyway, so I couldn’t leave if I wanted too. I saw a lot of supportive spouses during my stay, it was sad that mine was not. I suppose I have not forgiven her like I thought I did.

This saga continues to be a total mess.

Thanks for reading and for your support…

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3 responses to “Nightmare of a night

  1. James, you’re exactly right that your wife was behaving abusively. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and was bullied extensively growing up, so I’ve seen abuse on the recieving end. Throwing something at you and then claiming it was your fault that she threw it is abuse is exactly like when the abusive teacher I had in third grade used to encourage all the other children to hit me and then tell me that they wouldn’t hate me so much if I wasn’t such a little *****. Same behavior, different scenario.

    I think at the very least that family counselling would be a good idea for you both if you aren’t in it already. I won’t give relationship advice since frankly I doubt I know what I’m talking about there, but I can say that family counselling helped my parents become more functional together. Finally, don’t stop therapy please. It’s good for you.

    Be safe.

  2. I agree with Sarah. What she’s doing is definitely abuse. Therapy is not the problem. Rooting for you.

  3. I agree with Sarah and Elisheva, hon. Sarah’s thoughts of family counselling are a good–if you are in a relationship together you should be on the same page about problem-solving.
    Hugs. I know this is a bit old of a post, but I really hope things are going better between you and her.
    As always, feel free to e-mail me if you need another sounding board, James.

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