It has been a rough few days for me. Mental illness or not, I don’t see anyone making it out unscathed. As a matter of fact, my whole life changed on the first of April and like I have said in many posts, I’m not sure I hit rock bottom just yet. I have been hot and heavy on learning mindfulness from Buddhism. Buddha has a lot to teach me on healing my mind and soul. The only problem is, I am finding mindfulness to be a two-edged sword, as I look deep within, the truth I seek is not that pretty. I have had a hard time liking myself. I spent my whole life as a fraud. Pretending to be well and fighting hard to protect it. Even lying to everyone I hold dear to keep my mental health issues a secret. Now that the truth is out and betrayed everyone, I not sure I deserve better.
I am broken-hearted – My replacement is so charismatic and is so easy to get along with. He is doing so well for the company. I feel so abandoned and ashamed right now. I should be like that but I am not. My mental illness kept me from doing the right thing. Yes, I had no idea I was sick but I still have to live with the consciences of my actions even after the big fallout. I feel like I have a pity job right now and I don’t deserve to work here. My replacement does!
I am broken-hearted – My family life is a wreak and I am hating it. I get abused the day before and now it’s like nothing has happened. It’s like this all the time, plays beautifully with my co-dependency. I guess this is what kept me in the game. I am so tired of this game. I am just so sad about this. I made marriage vows to God to love my wife for better or for worse.
Please God, can you excuse the vows I have given? This marriage is given me so much heart-break and I can’t handle my life anymore. Yes, I haven’t been the greatest husband either, and I am ashamed of that, but I don’t know what to say. As you well know God, I have had multiple mental illnesses since my childhood and I do believe you have had a hand in my life all along. What some might think is lucky breaks, I think it could be more divine planning than anything. I will trust that my future is in your hands, it’s just that the present is way too hard for me. Please God, I can’t loose this fight because my boys need me. I beg you, give me strength. God, I am so indebted to you, I don’t deserve the love of an infinite being. I am lost God, I am lost!
I am so sad right now and the fighting spirit has left me. The pain runs deep and I want it to end.
That’s about all I want to say now. I am hoping I snap out of this soon.