I made a big mistake yesterday. I just had it my head that I was going to go out and put big mileage in on the bike to clear my sadness. Frankly, at a 100F, a part of me was thinking something else.
See, I discovered that there is many parts to my thinking. One part could give a hoot about anything. Heck, this part doesn’t even care about rather I live or not. Another part of my is the caring one that cares a little too much. Then yet another is the wise one, the one that usually saves my life when the time comes to stop. Yet, the wise one only steps in when I am on the borderline of actually self-harming myself.
I am afraid that one day the wise one is going to step aside and let the other two kill me.
Anyway, I was very sad yesterday and decided to take it out on the bike. I rode so hard that I was to a point of heat exhaustion. I ended up stopping and sitting in the shade of some corn. I broke down and called 911. Maybe I should have called family first, but at that moment, 911 was the only thing in me head. Help was on the way. Wow, my vitals were bad. Blood pressure was really low, heart rate was through the roof, and O2 was low also. They put me on 6L of O2 to help me snap out of it.
I was transported to the hospital where I got the typical psyche evaluation and my doctor was called. My doctor thought hospitalization was not going to help me and that I should go into the partial hospitalization program again. They couldn’t do much because of the weekend so I had to promise to be good until Monday or I was staying. I made that promise.
To be honest, not sure why I did it. I guess I am more sick than I realize. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me and I am in less in control than I thought. I thought I was doing better.