Could I be broken hearted?

It has been a rough few days for me. Mental illness or not, I don’t see anyone making it out unscathed. As a matter of fact, my whole life changed on the first of April and like I have said in many posts, I’m not sure I hit rock bottom just yet. I have been hot and heavy on learning mindfulness from Buddhism. Buddha has a lot to teach me on healing my mind and soul. The only problem is, I am finding mindfulness to be a two-edged sword, as I look deep within, the truth I seek is not that pretty. I have had a hard time liking myself. I spent my whole life as a fraud. Pretending to be well and fighting hard to protect it. Even lying to everyone I hold dear to keep my mental health issues a secret. Now that the truth is out and betrayed everyone, I not sure I deserve better.

I am broken-hearted – My replacement is so charismatic and is so easy to get along with. He is doing so well for the company. I feel so abandoned and ashamed right now. I should be like that but I am not. My mental illness kept me from doing the right thing. Yes, I had no idea I was sick but I still have to live with the consciences of my actions even after the big fallout.  I feel like I have a pity job right now and I don’t deserve to work here. My replacement does!

I am broken-hearted – My family life is a wreak and I am hating it. I get abused the day before and now it’s like nothing has happened. It’s like this all the time, plays beautifully with my co-dependency. I guess this is what kept me in the game. I am so tired of this game. I am just so sad about this. I made marriage vows to God to love my wife for better or for worse.

Please God, can you excuse the vows I have given? This marriage is given me so much heart-break and I can’t handle my life anymore. Yes, I haven’t been the greatest husband either, and I am ashamed of that, but I don’t know what to say. As you well know God, I have had multiple mental illnesses since my childhood and I do believe you have had a hand in my life all along. What some might think is lucky breaks, I think it could be more divine planning than anything. I will trust that my future is in your hands, it’s just that the present is way too hard for me. Please God, I can’t loose this fight because my boys need me. I beg you, give me strength. God, I am so indebted to you, I don’t deserve the love of an infinite being. I am lost God, I am lost!

I am so sad right now and the fighting spirit has left me. The pain runs deep and I want it to end.

That’s about all I want to say now. I am hoping I snap out of this soon.

Nightmare of a night

Last night was a blowout night. It all started when I asked if it is ok for me to get some miles in on the bike. I was told that I needed to stay home and take care of the children like a good husband should. So, I listen to my wife and stayed home like a good husband is supposed to do. Was I upset? Just a tad.

I guess it all started when I was giving the boys a bath. My littlest one had fallen asleep during supper time and had just awakened for bath time. Well, he was a little upset and was crying a lot. Which is typical of him and he eventually cools down. Well, I decided since he was already awake I will give him his bath with his older brother. That ended up making him more upset. My littlest one wanted no part of it. However, he needed a bath after swimming all day. So, I speedily bathed my youngest and asked my wife to see if she can get him to calm down. That way I can bathe my 4-year-old. The 2-year-old wanted nothing to do with his mother so we had to switch positions. I guess my wife wanted no part of it. My oldest boy and his mother started getting into a fight and I was told that she couldn’t handle him, so I needed to deal with him. I went in there and started getting him cleaned up.

That is when the disaster started.

Sure enough, she comes in the bath room and tells me I am not supporting her. I guess I should have explained to my 4-year-old that he needs to respect his mother. But, I knew beforehand that she was pretty cranky and that my son might not be the blame for the entire argument. Plus, I wasn’t really in the mood for confrontation so I just wanted to get the baths done.

Next thing I know the one-sided argument turns into a full 8oz insulated sippy cup hitting me in the back as hard as my wife could throw it and that hurt. I told her that was assault and I told her many times that I want her to stop. She told me a story about my therapy is teaching me the wrong things and that I am not changing my ways to keep the marriage going. All the therapy was a waste of time. In addition, every little hurtful thing she could think of. I guess I was using my CBT skills because I made boundaries during the argument and refused to get on the drama triangle. I was not interested in discussing marital needs when one of the spouses was beyond upset.

Sad part is, she told me that the only reason she hurts me is because I make her so angry she needs a release. When, I repeated what she just told me, she said that she didn’t mean it that way. Well, it sure sounds like an abuser to me. Yep, as long as I don’t make her mad I won’t get hit. I am so tired of my co-dependency tendency. I have put up with this for 15 years at least. Oh, I forgot, I was told that I verbally abuse her and she is just defending herself. Yeah, standing up for my self is verbally abusive to her. I am starting to realize my wife has some problems.

The only thing I disciplined my 4-year-old was when he told her to leave the house because he was mad at her. Both boys actually took my side and wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I told them that was wrong. I have done some bad things and I was forgiven. They need to give that same forgiveness to their mother. Not once did I say anything negative towards their mother, it is not my place.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I am just not willing to change until I see some positive change from her. I want to be loved, not talking about sex, just a daily hug and a kiss would be nice. I am not asking for much.

The big obstacle – I can not get past how she treated me in the hospital. I was trying to heal from major depression and see attacked me every visit. Telling me how I am destroying her life while I am in the hospital. I was in lock down anyway, so I couldn’t leave if I wanted too. I saw a lot of supportive spouses during my stay, it was sad that mine was not. I suppose I have not forgiven her like I thought I did.

This saga continues to be a total mess.

Thanks for reading and for your support…

Encouraging Maybe?

Yesterday was my visits with the doctor and the therapist. I ended up getting good reports from both of them. I have a lot on my plate right now and I seem to be handling it better than expected for a person with a mental illness of my severity.

The topics of major discussion were my job and home life, both being somewhat a nightmare. Yes, I am totally disconnected emotionally from these major issues. I have to be actually. I am trying to keep a level head about all that is going on so disconnecting was the only coping mechanism that keeps me from going into emotional overload. Is it a health way to go at this? Heck no! I am still learning coping skills and these are some large issues I am facing.

What are these large issues? One would be my job and the other my marriage. Both of them are big unknowns.

My job is a big disaster waiting to happen. I have been totally replaced and a management that seems to not know what to do with me. I have neither guidance nor expectations, just doing busy work. It is disheartening to be in the position I am in. Unfortunately, I landed my job out of pure luck and I have no business really having it. I wish not to sound like I am lacking confidence or anything like that. It is just a fact that I am not educated like my replacement or anyone else they were to hire into my position. However, after thirteen years of working hard and learning how to do my job at my employment, I am qualified to do the job here. Just have nothing to really show on the outside. Plus, there is a factor of my mental illness. No matter who I am employed with I will always need a light consideration for my mental health. Would they cooperate? Anyone’s guess is as good as mine.

My home life is pretty much a disaster too. I have a wife that doesn’t like me much anymore. She wants me to be some kind of robot husband, just plug-in the “honey do” list and press the start button. That would be fair if I received love in return. Yet, throughout our 11 years of marriage, returning love is not her strong point. So, even before being diagnosed with mental illness, I had already made boundaries and quit being at her beck and call. It is sad. I do not want to separate and I really want to make it work. But I am not going to sacrifice who I am to make this work. She is going to have to make changes also. Until that time comes, I am unwilling to make changes to fit her needs. It is just not worth it at this point. I am sure there are other nice ladies out there that need love and would love me back, the right way. I feel that I kind of deserve better and happiness.

The really, really sad part is my wonderful boys and the effect of parents separating. My parents have been married for 47 years and I have no clue what something like that is like. I kind of like my parents together and I want that for my children. Yet, maybe some things are not meant to be. Like always, there are consequences for every action taken.

The big question of the day from both doctor and therapist was can I maintain my life with these issues over shadowing me? The answer, I am not sure that I can. Then I was asked how I can make it better? Honest truth, I have no clue what to do. I can’t change the other person, just myself.

I guess I will leave at that.

I sure wish I could say something encouraging for my fellow BPDers and Aspergerians, but I am kind of lacking, sorry. I am being a pretty strong rock about all this, so if someone can draw strength from my words, what a blessing for us all. I have big hopes that things will work out for the better. This is just the hard times I must face. Yeah, it hasn’t been much fun.

Friday Ramblings

Whew, what a week. Hi everyone, it’s finally Friday.

My week started out really well. I decided to pick Monday morning as a good time to get my blood work done. I see my GP next Monday so I wanted to make sure he got the results he needed in time. I would think a week would be sufficient. Basically, I think he wants to see if I need another Reclast treatment for my Paget’s disease. It is close to a year since the infusion so it is over due to check the progress. Hopefully my alkaline phosphates are at tolerable levels. I am training for a century bike ride and having an infusion of Reclast again might hinder my success. Here is hoping for the best.

Oh, speaking of blood work. I had a break through. I was not afraid to get my blood work done. I just asked for a butterfly needle, sat in the chair, closed my eyes, and let it happen. Few minutes later, it was all done. I am so proud of myself. I hope this trend continues.

The rest of the week has been tough. I am been an emotional wreck caused by an unsuspecting trigger on Tuesday. It would seem that I am still having difficulties with being replaced by someone else. The person that wears my shoes is doing great, but it is painful to watch. Maybe, in time I can get past this. It’s not his fault. This would be a tough situation for anyone. I think most in my position would find other employment, but where am I going to go. I am not the very educated and the young college grads need jobs too. I am just not qualified for the job I do now. I was just extremely lucky to work were I work. I don’t mean to cut myself down, but these are the facts. When you add the stigma of mental illness into the mix, I’m afraid my options even get narrower. However, I have made it this far, one never knows what the future might bring if I try. As I recover from my illness, I am going to try. Not only for the wellbeing of my family, but for me also.

I think I will talk about my training. So far so good with training for the century ride. I should have gotten in some miles before the weekend in but it has been so hot here. I could be working on my core but I have never really been that motivated to do that. I think I should because it would help my riding posture and stamina. Hey, let’s just say this is a work in progress (Hehe). I am riding well and getting stronger.

This weekend is 65 miles. I am thinking about using the same route as I did two weeks ago with some slight variations at the beginning of the route. There is one road section that has dogs chasing me, big ones. I just don’t feel like out sprinting them and risking injury. I still have a long way to go in strengthening my legs for the RPMs needed for out sprinting big dogs. Best to avoid them.

Well, that’s about all the time I have.

Have a great weekend and take care of yourselves. Hugs

On a more positive note

Hi everyone, I am a little concerned about how negative my site has been getting. Yes, I have been struggling and I have been writing those struggles here, but rest assured I am fighting that negativity.

I have gotten better.

1) No intrusive thoughts (A big one)

2) A little less paranoid

3) A little less fear of things

4) Yay, I can actually do blood work without freaking out

5) Even though I think I should be treated better at work, I am getting by regardless. A lot of forgiveness is involved.

6) I am more self-confident now

7) Turns out, I am a better cyclist than a walker. Yeah, I kind of knew that. Hehe. I have made some strides in me training that have been remarkable. Not to toot my own horn but I was a good cyclist when I was young and nothing has changed in my 40s. Riding is a passion of mine and I am good at it. Slow now days, but getting stronger by the week. Very therapeutic for me.

8) Struggling with God but that relationship is still strong. God has known all along that I’ve been ill. Thank you God for being there for me when I wasn’t. Love ya!

Well, that is just a few things I can think of.

Please take care everyone! I will try to write more this week.

Life is going to get better…Right?

I just can’t help but feel sad today and a little helpless. My wife will not support my recovery and I desperately need her on my side. Work is just a plain unknown, not sure what is going to happen. I am over whelmed with the thought that my life has yet to hit rock bottom. Gosh, more pieces to pick up. I have enough to pick up now.

Home life is a wreck. My wife thinks I am a bum and that the therapy did nothing for me. She thinks I just want to stay the way I am now. Frankly, to her, I am being a jerk. I told her last night that she needed to go to a support group for people who have mentally ill family members. She told me she doesn’t have time for that crap. It is hard not to assume that she just wants me to conform to her needs and my needs are unimportant. This whole thing is just a nightmare. I made vows to God that I would stay with her for better or worst so I guess I need to fulfill that promise. As much as I don’t want to be a robot husband, I guess that is my only route.

My goodness, work. I am still waiting for the anvil to drop. They have me revamping a web app I created many years ago and that is actually going well. I am still treated pretty poorly by management. It usually ends up giving the feeling that they don’t think I deserve to work there. Frankly, in some respects, I don’t. I can understand how they could feel this way. There is nothing I can do here but work as hard as I possible can and when asked to leave, I will be leaving with some dignity.

Gosh, when people visit my blog, I want everyone to see a mentally ill person having a positive journey to recovery. To be honest, I think that I have been. I have stayed pretty strong through all these current trials. For some reason, people are afraid of mental health issues and that is why there is a stigma attached to it. Those with mentally illness need our help desperately.

Have you hugged your mentally ill friend today? Come on; give me a cyber hug…Hehe

What I am feeling

I haven’t written much on how I am feeling lately. I think I will do that in my writing. As some may already know, I have aspergers and borderline personality disorder (BPD). This is a childhood disorder so when I was diagnosed 3 months ago, I had been living unaware of these disorders for some three decades. Yes, I knew that I was different, but in those three decades I had leaned to adjust to my environment pretty successfully. In a way, I should pat myself on the back.

Part of learning skills to combat mental illness is therapy skills. One of the skill sets I am slowly studying is DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) created by Marsha M. Linehan. She based most of the therapy on Buddhism. So lately, I have been reading about mindfulness and how it is achieved through Buddhism. Yes, it would seem that I found Buddha. I am not really interested in becoming Buddhist but I do believe that Buddha could help me lessen my suffering. It looks like Buddha had a lot of emotional suffering and learned how to control the suffering and find peace. It is worth taking a look.

Lately I have been really using mindfulness. I have been looking deeply into myself trying to find a way to recover from my disorders. It would seem that discovery and recognition of my symptoms has to come first before any healing can begin. Then find coping skills to combat those symptoms. This is a hard process that I have yet to get a handle on, but I have all the time in the world. I will recover.

How do I feel lately?

I feel shame. Yes, that’s right, shame. Last week I discovered what aspergers really was. I knew it was high function autism, but I really did not know the full extent of what autism is. I had spent all my time thinking BPD was the main contributor of my issues. I failed to see what aspergers brings to the table. Sadly, it brings a lot. My autism seems to have more influence on me than BPD. I have a theory that autism and BPD are such opposites that it neutralized symptoms in some respects, but not enough for me to be symptom free. I can’t prove that but it seems possible. Even my doctor thought it might be a good theory on how I managed to make it though three decades without therapy. I have no idea why things changed to where I am today but honestly, I did have a good run going.

It seems I have digressed, back to my feelings of shame.

See, I view myself as a very trustworthy nice guy. As I am finding out, that is not the case. For the most part I am a nice to everyone I meet but trustworthiness is something I destroyed. That is just a plain sad fact. I have lied to the people I love and those that I work for. I have covered up the fact that I had problems and kept it as my big dark secret. I had no idea I was sick and obviously wasn’t thinking correctly. Even so, it damaged relationships and now makes it hard to trust me. I was caught up in the stigma of mental illness myself.

Just to let everyone I have gone down road of forgiveness for myself. It was a hard road but a much needed attempt so I could start my recovery. With that said, I can not control the forgiveness granted to me by the people I betrayed. Even if they have forgiven me, it must be hard for them to trust me again. I sure understand that feeling. I would feel the same way.

So, that is where the shame comes in. As more and more of my past surfaces like a knife in my back, there is not much I can feel but shame. When April 2012 rolled around, it was like my whole world changed. I went from a guy that sort of had it together to a guy that had to clean up the mess made by someone else. That is how I feel. I have to clean up for myself. I have to take responsibility for actions and behaviors that I had no control of.

I am not writing this for pity. Just wanted to share a snippet of what I’ve had to deal with. I hope the future me is trustworthy and a very nice guy. That is who I think I am. I definitely have a long way to go on recovery and I am going to fight for it also.