Wow, this seems like controversial week for my blog. Yes, I could be all fuzzy wuzzy about things, but I am actually a opinionated kind of guy that gets wound up over hot button issues. Yesterday I wrote my opinion on my reaction to watching “Constantine’s Sword”. But, I am feeling a bit guilty for writing it. I really have nothing against Christianity. As a matter of fact, I am quite fond of the United Methodist Church and have a few friends who I love dearly that are members of the church. When I speak out against what I think is unjust, even if it happens to be Christians doing it. I am not holding the whole religion in contempt. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Ok, since I am babbling today, I might as well make a confession. About a month ago I was determined to return to Christianity. A really good friend of mine is a pastor from the United Methodist Church. I was in discussion quite a bit with him trying to discover a way to reconcile some of the feelings I have for Christianity and the difference of opinion on theology. Sadly, I am still not able to reconcile and I am tired of trying. I wish my wife knew how much I want use to be on the same page.
Honestly, I am just more comfortable in the Jewish community. I had a private conversation with my pastor friend today over this whole Prop 8 thing being ruled unconstitutional be a judge. I have yet to tell him that I just can not go back to Christianity and devote myself to it religiously. Frankly, I just do not know what to do. I am so confused half the time on what too feel and what direction I want my life to go. I am just afraid that I am confusing my friends and leading them to the wrong conclusions about me and it scares me.
I am here to tell everyone today. James can not give himself to the Christian religion! Yes, I could just play Christian but I would be lying to myself and my friends. Worst yet, do a disservice to Christianity. If the Jewish community will allow me to be apart of them, I do not have to play Jew. I would be a Jew whole heartily, because that is truly who I am.
I just hate being a closet religious person. I mean, I can not honestly tell a person my religion if asked. I have been repeated told by my Rabbi to be careful not to mislead people into thinking I am Jewish, because I am not. Even though I truthfully have trouble with him saying that, it must be a serious matter and I feel the need to respect that. Thank goodness I have yet to have someone get inquisitive about my religion, but it is always on the back of my mind. I hope everyone realizes, G-d is really important to me and so is having a religious status.
Yes, there isn’t a day go by that I don’t think about how it must feel to do something so Holy as laying Tefillin or draping a Tallit over my head. Heck, I just do not want to pray privately anymore. I am not Jewish so what’s the point. I am so accustomed to liturgy these last few years. I am not sure I want to go it alone without a prayer book.
OK, this must be the Meds talking or something…I am going to stop here and just post it.
Thanks for reading…
Religiously Challenged 
Ah. It is very tough, being in that limbo state where you are neither one thing or the other. I have some understanding of where you are coming from, having spent a year and a half studying and waiting to become Jewish. One of the best things I was able to do beforehand was, if asked if I was Jewish, reply ‘Not yet’ and if asked what religion I was (less common here in the UK), reply ‘I’m studying to become Jewish’. I still think my first reply of ‘Not yet’ is applicable to you – after all, who knows what will happen in a year, 5 years, 10 years, a lifetime? As for the second type of question, perhaps a reply of ‘I’m still searching’ might work?
I know that this doesn’t rely help with regards your state of mind and specific situation, but at least it gives an outward appearance of focus, even if you’re not feeling that so much yourself internally.
And finally – it was never meant to be easy! I know it might appear that my journey from non-Jew, to Jew, to having a Bat Mitzvah in 4 months time has been simple and smooth. It really hasn’t. It has meant a massive change to my life, to the life of my partner and to our lives together. I have had to learn how to balance so much and really think about the impact that becoming Jewish has had on my entire way of living. It has all been far more life-changing than I anticipated. This may sound odd, as if I didn’t give my becoming Jewish the proper consideration – I did, but there are things you can never really prepare yourself for, to be honest.
I wish you so much luck in wherever your journey takes you.
Thanks Rachel for listening and also for your suggestions. I just needed to vent a little.
We *all* need to vent every now and again. And sometimes it’s good to know that people are reading your venting!
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While it may have been hurtful when he specifically told you not to tell people that you are Jewish, the reasoning behind that is that unfortunately being jewish doesn’t actually have a direct correlation with whether or not you believe in the Jewish faith. My first cousin lives in Germany and wears a cross. She has no Jewish upbringing and doesn’t self-identify as a Jew. However because she was born to a Jewish mother she is recognized as a Jew by Halacha and by the world Jewish community and there’s nothing she can do about it. On the other hand, someone who is not born Jewish and who believes wholeheartedly in judaism has to prove him/herself time and again and jump thru hoops to gain the recognition of he Jewish community. I agree it’s not fair.